tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86608950491523813722023-11-16T04:38:24.772-08:00A day in the life of a new momAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-70173080281722469802013-03-31T21:28:00.003-07:002013-03-31T21:48:35.725-07:00John Rylan's first Easter- Pastor Wright and The sweet spiritI haven't blogged in awhile, so please excuse my poor grammar that may or may not be in this entry, but I wanted to share some on John Rylan's first Easter.<br />
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We had a guest speaker at our church this Easter weekend. It was amazing to hear such a powerful, inspirational speaker for the Lord. I feel blessed to have been able to hear Pastor Wright speak and preach the good Word. After three days of services, Pastor Wright came to John Rylan and immediately Ry started smiling his charming smile. He said something that I will never forget, that may seem meaningless to some, but to a mother, it was touching. He said, "He has a sweet spirit." </div>
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<i>My love for you is endless</i></div>
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<i> A mothers love is instinctual, unconditional, and forever.</i></div>
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When someone speaks of someone else's spirit, it could be negative, it could be positive, it could be religious, it could be just a compliment. But coming from a man of God, speaking of someone's spirit is like speaking of their soul. It is hard to put into words to describe what I am talking about. So maybe I will just leave it at this: John Rylan is my sweet spirited prince. He is the light of my life. I am so thankful that I have been blessed with such an amazing child, who can light up someone's life with his smile. I am in such awe of how his eyes can speak so much, of how his smile can bring this enormous feeling of love to my heart at any given moment, and how I could be so incredibly blessed. </div>
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<i> You are my sunshine, my only sunshine</i></div>
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I have been thinking a lot this weekend as Pastor Wright spoke about good friday and the days leading up to Easter Sunday. He said something, I think it was today, that got me to think even more; something that I had never thought about before. God sent his Son to this Earth to save us and at the end of Jesus' life on Earth he was tortured and hung on a cross. What I got to thinking about was Mary- Jesus' mother- and God. How could they have felt to see their son being brutally punished for the world's sins? As a mother, just to see John Rylan cry is almost torture in itself. But to see him hurt, to see him in unimaginable pain... well, that's just unimaginable! Once again, I am not sure how to describe what I am talking about effectively or how to get the point across. I guess what I am getting at is that I am thankful that God sent his son to us. <b>And I am thankful that God created my son and sent him to me</b>. </div>
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<i>A smile is a light in the window of the soul indicating that the heart is at home</i></div>
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<i> There are hundreds of languages in the world but a smile speaks them all</i><br />
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<i> A smile from a child is a gift of sunshine and rainbows</i></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-75541288724901705692013-02-06T12:55:00.000-08:002013-02-06T12:55:07.616-08:00Biggest Loser Yoga Workout - Day 1Today, I started my work out routine. Today's blog will be about the challenges I will be facing and my hopes of improvement.<br />
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<b>Weight Loss Issues</b><br />
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I used to work out all the time. In fact, I was a weight loss Nazi I would work and work and work until I literally could not stand anymore. I was obsessed with being the skinniest I could be. I think that will be the biggest challenge of working out and getting back to a healthy weight. I mean, right now I am at a normal weight, but my stomach is still all flabby from having Rylan. I want to not be embarrassed about my new found fat rolls and be a healthy skinny. Instead of going back to not eating, I have willfully decided that I will start doing a 30 minute yoga workout everyday. I am going to try my hardest to eat healthy food and to drink more water and less soft drinks. I just want to look and feel better without throwing up what I just ate or not eating at all. But, I also have to keep myself in line because I can get obsessed with working out. And that turns out horribly.<br />
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My plan is to do my work out while my son, Rylan, is taking a nap during the afternoon. The only problem with that is, that Rylan sometimes only takes 15 minute naps. Other times, he will be out for a good two hours. I am hoping that I will have enough time to fit in my work out and do my homework and take care of my son, etc. Time may be a big issue. But I hope I will be able to stick to it.<br />
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<b>Sticking To It</b><br />
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I have an issue with starting things and not finishing them. I always put things off until the last minute. So, by the end of the day, if I haven't done my work out, I say to myself, "Oh, I'll just do two tomorrow." And then I will be too intimidated for the two work outs the next day and then just not do it. I guess I will just have to stick with it all.<br />
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<b>Goals</b><br />
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My goal is to just feel better and look better. I don't want like 6 pack and massive arms and a crazy about of strength. I just want to have my medium amount of flab gone in my abs, some extra strength so I can pick up my son without huffing and puffing about how heavy he is, and to tone up my muscles. I want to start eating healthier - but that is expensive I want to go from drinking 1-2 44 oz cokes a day, to 3 44 oz a weeks. I want to drink more water and juices and eat less carbs. I want to do this so I can be a better mommy; so that I can play soccer with my son and not get worn out and be able to throw him over my shoulders. I want to do this for me. I want to feel beautiful again. I am the only one standing in my way.<br />
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Get it.<br />
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<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">― </span><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/3503.Maya_Angelou" style="background-color: white; color: #666600; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; text-decoration: initial;">Maya Angelou</a></i>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-38386304893630845892013-01-31T21:07:00.000-08:002013-01-31T21:07:05.117-08:00Ways to Improve & Update<br />
I have been thinking of ways that I can improve my life style so I can be a happier me and in turn be a better mommy. That's all I want to be is a good mom.<br />
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<b>1. Meditation</b><br />
I have started a new nightly ritual. After Rylan goes to sleep, I end up doing homework for a few hours. Facebook always distracts me so a 1 hour homework session always turns into 2 or 3 hours. Anyways, after I get done with homework, I sit on my floor and meditate in the dark, sometimes with soft music in the background. Having that silent time to myself has really brought me some sanity. I think I have my own form of meditation. I don't know if I "do it right", but having that quiet, positive thinking time really helps me think happy thoughts before I go to bed and in turn I wake up happier.<br />
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<b>2. Vitamins/ Eating Healthier</b><br />
I have not been taking my daily vitamins. I think that if I get into the habit of taking my vitamins and not having ANY fast food, I will feel better. The hardest part will be cutting out cokes from my life. I have gotten into the nasty habit of drinking 1-3 44oz cokes a day. I have gotten addicted. Like, for me to function fully, I need to run down to the gas station and grab a coke-a-cola. One, that is a tone of money down the drain. Two, no one ever said coke was healthy for you. Even though I wish it was... daily.<br />
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<b>3. Yoga</b><br />
Well, I already have the yoga pants, why not put them to good use? I have realized that it has been six months since I had Rylan. I can't pull the "its still baby fat" trick anymore. Granted, I know that I will not be 100 lbs again unless I start downing diet pills and become anorexic again. (Secret: I have to tell myself daily to not throw up my food and that being 100 lbs was unhealthy. Secret #2: I only think I am skinny enough/pretty when my ribs look like they are sticking out. Basically when I look like I just stepped out of a concentration camp. Don't judge or ask me why. It is just something I deal with on a daily basis.) Anyways, I want to be healthy. Not anorexically skinny. I want to be able to look at myself and think that I am a good, HEALTHY weight. So, I think Yoga would be a nice, quiet workout for me to do when Rylan takes naps during the day. Also, I heard its really relaxing.<br />
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<b>4. NO MORE SMOKING</b><br />
John and I have come up with a plan to stop smoking! I have tried these past few months, but with John not on board, it has just been a failed mission. Its hard to quit when there are cigarettes constantly around. But! Hopefully, in a few months, we will be a smoke free household. Now, for those of you who do not know, we do not smoke around Rylan. When we are driving and he is in the car, we don't smoke. We do not smoke inside our house, we always step outside. I am determined to quit smoking! I hope that this works because I miss being able to breathe.<br />
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<b>Update on Rylan Boy:</b><br />
Oh, how it has been a long week. My little duckie is still sickly. Even though he has not been feeling well, he has a continuous smile on his face. You can't even tell he is sick until he starts hacking up a lung or snot drips straight from his nose to his mouth. Which is gross every time. Ry has never been super sick before so this is a new experience for me. I find myself waking up at night just to check on him. Night time is a horror. Every time he coughs it sounds like he is choking so I rush up to make sure he is alright. Sometimes he coughs so hard he starts to vomit and chokes. It scares me because I don't know when it will happen. Sleep has not come easily these past few days to say the least. Tomorrow I will be calling his doctor to see if there is anything else they can do for him. The antibiotics he was put on do not seem to be helping much. Hopefully he will heal quickly and he will able to get back to his normal, happy self.<br />
Even though he is sick, I am so thankful for my baby boy. He brings so much joy to our home. Watching him go through these sickies like a champ makes me so proud. I love my baby boy.<br />
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"<i>If there's anything to say, If there's anything to do, If there's any other way, I'll do anything for you."</i><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-4381986188893696192013-01-28T18:55:00.001-08:002013-01-28T18:55:57.797-08:00My sick little manToday has just been an overwhelming day for me and I am sure it has been a big day for Rylan too.<br />
Poor little guy has RSV. His cough has gotten increasingly worse, he is throwing up, and running a fever.<br />
This is the first time that he has been really sick and I feel like I have handled it... well, like a new mom who has no clue what to do would handle it.<br />
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When his doctor called me back and said they didn't have any spots open for him to come in and to take him to the urgent care... I freaked out.<br />
When we got to the Urgent Care office and they said he was sick... I freaked out.<br />
When they gave him a breathing treatment... I freaked out.<br />
When I didn't have enough money to get him his antibiotics... I felt like I needed to receive the bad mother of the year award.<br />
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For the past few nights I have been having the worst night terrors. I guess I do it to myself, though. I follow a lot of children on facebook who have childhood cancer or some type of illness. I figure its the least thing I can do is pray for one of these kids each night. Every prayer helps, right? But every time I look at a page, I just image what pain I would be in if Rylan were to get super sick. My mind does this stupid thing where it makes up stories and instead of it being some random person, its Rylan. So, like I was saying, for the past few nights I have had night terrors of Rylan having to have chemo or I am sitting at Rylan's funeral or Rylan was just diagnosed with something horrible and I can't get a hold of my husband to tell him so I am sitting all alone. Today, when he was coughing none stop and throwing up, its like my head was reviewing these night terrors and it took everything in me to not just break down and cry. And no, I am not on my period.<br />
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Worst mother of the year award goes to me. I go to Walmart to get his prescription filled and only have 40 dollars with me. Long story short, while I was at the register ready to pay, Rylan starting hacking up a lung and the cashier was just looking at me like, "and you have him out, why?". Then, when she said it was going to be 65 dollars, I just looked down at the cash in my hand and said I couldn't afford it right now. She seriously looked at me like I was white trash, gave my son a sympathetic look, looked at me again and rolled her eyes, and told me the prescription would be there when we would have the money to pay for it. I cried the whole way home. My husband was able to get paid for some of the work he has done and is currently going to get the antibiotics. But still, the worst feeling ever is having something to help your sons pain go away right in front of you, and you cant get it for him.<br />
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I am thankful that we know what is going on with my poor little baby.<br />
I hope that he will get over this soon and start to feel better.<br />
Good thoughts and prayers are always appreciated from those of you who actually read these blogs.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-38257423749142153952013-01-27T17:13:00.001-08:002013-01-27T17:13:21.016-08:00Something simple - just another dayIt amazes me how much joy such a little guy can bring to so many people. It is usually a Sunday when I realize what an impact Rylan has already made on so many people's lives.<br />
My husband's father is a preacher so every Sunday we sit front and center at the church. By the time church is over, Rylan has gotten hugs and kisses from half of the congregation and has been passed off at least three different times to be held by people. He sings and dances when praise and worship is going on and just loves to listen to his Grandpa preach it!<br />
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By the time Sunday has come to a close, Rylan has brought so much happiness to so many people... and he can't even talk. His smile can light up the world. His eyes have so much to say. His heart is always willing to love on someone new. I hope that when he gets older he won't forget all the charming characteristics that he has now. I hope to be able to teach him to love more, smile more, and speak kindly.<br />
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I love my son to pieces. I am so blessed to have him in my life.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-25271568923830143512013-01-25T19:36:00.000-08:002013-01-25T19:36:34.537-08:00Ramblings on Home school vs Public SchoolWith all the recent school shootings, John and I have often asked ourselves what we think the right decision for Rylan will be when he gets to the schooling age; Home school or Public school. He and I were both home schooled and went to public school, so we got "the best of both worlds" so to speak.<br />
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I remember loving and hating home school. I remember loving and hating public school. School is school and at one point and time in your life, you're going to hate it. Even if it is just one day, you will feel the wrath of ten home work assignments and a six page report over some random disease looming over you and you will hate school.<br />
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It brings me to the question, which I have already stated, what will be the best choice for Rylan? Should we home school him or send him to a public/private school? I guess one of the few reasons of why I wouldn't want him going to a public/private school is just with all the recent shootings. I admit, I am fearful. Everyone always says, "Oh, that won't happen here." But what if it does? What if I send him to a private school that bases their teachings off of Christianity? Maybe someone against Christianity will come in and start taking their anger out on my child and his fellow class mates. On the other hand, what if someone breaks into my house while I am teaching my son and shoots us for our TV? I'm being serious. Shootings happen everywhere. It is probably more likely that I will get shot in my own home than my son will at school - but just the thought makes me shake. Can I protect my child more if he is home schooled? Most likely. But am I going to make Rylan wear a suit of armor every time he walks out the door for his protection? No.<br />
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Home schooling was, at times, a blast. I went to home school groups and still got to be in band/orchestra, I learned how to ball room dance, I got to go to art classes... on those days, it was a blast! But at home, I basically had to teach myself. I remember waking up and having my assignments written out for me and I wouldn't even see my ex step mom until after lunch. I felt so lonely on the days I didn't go to Praise or Excelsior!. That being said, I feel like I would be a better teacher. Rephrase that. I hope I would be a better teacher. (I feel like my knowledge in the math and science department is lacking.)<br />
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Public school was, at times, horrific. Other times, it was the bomb diggity. The reason why I was home schooled in 7th and 8th grade was because I came home crying on a daily basis in 6th grade. I was teased about my height or my hair or this and that. The deal breaker was when someone made fun of my birth mom for only having one arm and asked me if my arm was going to fall off one day. Kids can be cruel. Another positive for home schooling. You don't have the teasing! On the other hand, you don't have the interaction of being around people on a daily basis. Home schooling can kind of shelter children from all the hate, but it can also shelter them from learning how to react in hateful situations or just learning how to deal with life in general. I know the transfer from home school to public school my freshman year was a huge change. I had to get back into the swing of going to classes and doing homework and interacting with other students and teachers. I had more opportunities to get into musical things that I liked, such as school plays and marching band. I have always been a people person and I think public school really enhanced that.<br />
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I guess there are positives to negatives to each. It will be a big decision when that time comes.<br />
As for now, I am going to hold my baby every second I can get and not think about the horrible acts of ugly that are going on in the world.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-35789355621482193102013-01-18T19:12:00.002-08:002013-01-18T19:12:46.426-08:00The big day- when you realize this wont last foreverToday was the day. January 18, 2013- John Rylan sat up by himself.<br />
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He has sat up by himself before for a few second, or even a few minutes. But today.. today he was a big boy.I sat him down gently on the carpet and sat behind him like I usually do to steady him if he tipped over. A couple of minutes went by and his butt seemed to be glued to the ground. I stood up and grabbed my camera and took a few shots. A few minutes later, he was still there, unmoved. I took a few more pictures and watched the clock as time past. Ten minutes passed and I was almost in tears. I sat on the couch (right next to where he was sitting) and watched him play with some toys. Fifteen minutes passed. I snapped some more candid shots. I then did an experiment. He could see me the whole time and I know he knew if he started to fall, I would catch him. So, I stood up, and pretended like I walked out of the room. I stood behind him a few feet and watched his reaction. He looked around to see if I was still there. When he could not find me, he sat silent for a while, once again not moving. A few minutes passed and all of the sudden I heard a loud screech and a giggle. He started slightly bouncing on his bum and playing with his toys in front of him. He was so excited to be sitting up by himself with, what seemed like, no supervision.<br />
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Today was a day I will never forget. A milestone for my little man. He sat up by himself for a good twenty to thirty minutes. He would have done it longer, but I had to pee and didn't want to leave him in the living room sitting up with no supervision. I think today was a day that he found out something too- he can do things without mommy. When he sat there for a few minutes, looking around to see where I had gone, he looked as though he was processing that mommy was not there. What should he do? How should he react? After moments passed, he realized, too, that he was a big boy. He will not remember the first moment that he didn't need mommy anymore, but I sure will.<br />
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My baby boy is growing up so quickly in front of my eyes. I was looking through pictures of when he was born and it was crazy how much he has already changed and grown. He looks so much older than he did three months ago. And those three months seemed like three days. I am excited to see what the next few months will bring, but I hope that they don't fly by as fast. I know that I will miss these days. I already do.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-32137591745320131862013-01-17T20:39:00.001-08:002013-01-17T20:39:16.061-08:00Mommy 101<br />
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<b>MOMMY 101</b><br />
<b>5 Things You Learn On A Daily Basis</b><br />
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1: Poop is never the same:<br />
Some days, poop is green. Some days, poop is mushy. Some days, poop looks like a rock. Some days, its as liquid as a glass of water. Some days, poop is black. Some days, poop does not come for a visit but the next time it does come, you'll be sure to take out your trash as soon as the diaper is off. Nonetheless, it always smells. Whether it be a strong smell or a little smell, poop's smell never fails to go up your nostrils and make a little home up there for a minute. Be prepared.<br />
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2: Farts are funny:<br />
Every time my son farts, he laughs. He thinks its absolutely hilarious when a bubble comes out his butt and makes a sound. I find myself laughing too each time he farts. Laughing is good for the soul. So, I guess that makes farting good for the soul too.<br />
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3. Smiles are contagious:<br />
No matter how down you get, no matter how tired you are, no matter how annoying that scream is, remember to smile. When you smile, baby smiles. When baby smiles, everyone is happy!<br />
That is one thing that I have learned quite well. When my son is crying and screaming and throwing a fit, I start singing a silly song and I do a silly dance and something magical happens- he smiles. The world is right when that boy smiles.<br />
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4. Baby is number one, not number two:<br />
The boy always comes first. When he is not first, he can sense it. For example, today I was studying and little man was in his play exersaucer thing. Low and behold he sees mommy. Mommy is not paying attention. He makes some noises and bounces around a bit. Mommy does the "that's nice dear" type of thing and goes back to her school work. WHOA BUDDY. Big mistake. When baby wants attention, put down what you are doing and give it some lovin'. Even if it is only for a minute, it means the world to your child.<br />
The other day I was outside and there a little boy playing on the monkey bars. He was begging and begging for his dad to watch him and his dad never looked up. You could see the hurt on his face when he finalized realized that his dad was not going to watch him. Being a parent comes first. Everything else can wait.<br />
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5. Bath time is play time:<br />
Rylan barely ever cries in the bath. Usually, when he does, its because I am rushing through it. He loves the water! If your baby loves the water, take some extra time to just let them play! Rylan loves to splash and enjoys chewing on the rubber duckies. Kids can never have too much fun, so let them have fun! And enjoy the splash while your at it. If you didn't get the time to take a shower that day, consider it a mini bath.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-67109021885650609182013-01-16T19:49:00.001-08:002013-01-16T19:49:29.434-08:00A poem for my sweets Untitled<br />
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Sweet child of mine<br />
Where has the time gone<br />
The days pass by quickly<br />
From each dusk to each dawn<br />
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I remember the day I brought you home<br />
I held you tight in my arms<br />
I knew that you had stolen my heart<br />
That I would always protect you from harm<br />
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You grow up by the minute<br />
In front of my aging eyes<br />
You can do whatever you desire<br />
Remember from the rubble you can rise<br />
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The Lord blessed me with you<br />
There is nothing that you lack<br />
You will always be perfect in my eyes<br />
I love you to the moon and back<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-11888260505120708822013-01-14T20:20:00.004-08:002013-01-14T20:20:59.535-08:00Big Boy FoodToday, Rylan started eating carrots. <div>
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Some other mothers have asked me why I started Rylan on "big boy food" so late.</div>
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First off, Rylan has had some digestive issues in the past. For about two or three months after he was born, he had some problems pooping. He had to have some dilated prune juice for awhile. His doctor suggested not to start him on oatmeal and cereal until his digestive track was normal for a few months.</div>
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I think another part of me just didn't want my baby boy to start growing up. Obviously, I can't stop time and he will grow up whether I want him to or not. </div>
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It has been exciting with him eating, though. It's always a fun mess. He sure does like the food! We have only tried carrots and blueberry applesauce so far but he seems to like anything he can eat! He still loves his bottle. Its like he can never get enough to drink. He is a growing boy!</div>
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I've heard from here on out, time goes by so fast. From big boy food to crawling to talking to walking. My baby boy wont be a baby forever. I guess I will have to accept that sooner or later. As for now, I am going to cherish every moment I get to hold him and feed him and kiss his darling cheeks as many times as I want. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-59259859025148961352013-01-11T20:01:00.000-08:002013-01-11T20:01:54.830-08:00Motherhood after 6 monthsSo, I haven't blogged in a long time and tonight is one of those nights where I just feel like writing. I wasn't sure what I was going to start writing about, but since this is a blog about motherhood, I suppose I will start there.<br />
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My darling son, John Rylan McCleary Douglas, turned 6 months old today. Words can not describe how fast those few months flew by. I have learned so much from him in so little time and I am already so proud to be his momma.<br />
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I praise God every day, multiple times a day, for my handsome boy. I know I have mentioned this before, but ever since I was little, I wanted to be a mother. People would ask me, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" and I would reply, "a mommy." My greatest dream has come true. I am a mommy. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know that it would be so hard. Some mothers make it look so easy. But, I have to admit, sometimes I feel like my nerves are broken and my eyes are glued open from lack of sleep. But I wouldn't trade it for the world.<br />
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Rylan has been my light in the darkness. Even on my worst days, I can just pick him up, hold him, and automatically feel loved. He has taught me patience. I have always been so impatient. I can be sitting in a parking lot for 2 minutes and think it has been 30 and start getting aggitated. But when you are sitting in the car with a screaming baby who just wants to be held, trying to calm him down by singing sweetly, you realize what patience is. To me, it is handling yourself in a calm fashion and being able to make lemons out of lemon aid. I cherish those moments when he cries, because I know he wont be crying for mommy forever. I cherish the moments when he wakes up in the middle of the night after having a bad dream, because I know I wont always be able to be there to hold him. I cherish every smile, every slobbery kiss, and every time he falls asleep in my arms.<br />
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Being a mom has taught me how to really enjoy life and have fun. I had my son when I was 19. I got pregnant 2 months after quitting some pretty hardcore drugs. The moment I found out I was pregnant, I quit smoking, cold turkey. (But don't give me props for that, because a month after he was born, I picked back up a cig. New Years resolution is to quit again. Fingers crossed.) My definition of fun before Rylan was going out and goofing off and quite frankly, being irresponsible. But Rylan has taught me what real fun is. Fun is playing peek-a-boo for twenty minutes and laughing non stop the entire time. Fun is singing along to every Veggie Tale song. Fun is having "conversations" with a 6 month old about a dirty diaper and making up a song to go along with it. Fun is teaching him how to use a spoon and laughing when he takes it out of my hands and food goes all over the couch. Fun is tickle time. I could go on for hours. The point is, I didn't know how much joy a child could bring, how drastically being a mother changes you and how much... (I wish I could think of another word for fun) ... fun life could be!<br />
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My husband, John, has been a great support to me through everything.This has been our first year of marriage and, trust me, it has not been the smoothest. But he has been a good father to Rylan through it all. I think it took some time for him to let go of being the rambunctious people we once were and move into "father mode." But he has done beautifully. He is always talking about how he can't wait to play cars with him and teach him this and that. I know when Ry gets older, he will always have that man figure to confide in. John Paul loves his son full heartily and I know that he will always be there for him through thick and thin.<br />
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Our families have both been so supportive through it all. Both of our parents have taken us in when we had no place to go, they have helped us financially, emotionally, and sometimes mentally when we need a little extra help. I can not express the thanks I have for all of them. From the moment they first met me, John's family has never judged me and has always given me a listening ear. My family has encouraged me and loved me through it all. They all love Rylan with all of their hearts and I know Rylan loves them. I can't wait until Rylan can play with all of his cousins. John's sister, Laura, had twins last January so they are about 6 months older than Rylan. It will be so much fun when they are older and can play together. He has 7 cousins, all 13 years old and younger, on that side of the family. He will have a blast at family get together's with all those cousins! My sister, Erin, spoils him to death since he is the only baby on that side of the family. My dad, Gampaw Louie, absolutely adores him. It is so great to have a family support system.<br />
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Douglas Family<br />
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Gampaw Louie<br />
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Momma, Rylan, Aunt Erin<br />
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John Rylan is my pride and joy. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He has taught me more in the past 6 months than I have learned in my entire life. He has taught me true joy, how to love, patience, and much more.<br />
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These past six months have been a blast. I would say "I can't wait for the next six months", but I can. I don't want my baby boy to grow up too fast. I love every second I can hold him and kiss him without hearing, "Moooooom, you're embarrassing me!". He has my heart and I never want it back.<br />
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Happy six month, John Rylan. You are my knight and shining armor Thank you for everything that you have taught me, your unconditional love, and your beautiful smile. I love you to the moon and back. Always and forever.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-11943955017485207112012-10-31T23:06:00.001-07:002012-10-31T23:06:43.410-07:00Abortion, Homosexuality, and Harry Potter. <b><span style="color: red;">WARNING:</span></b> This particular blog may offend people. It may not. These are just my opinions and my thoughts. You can make the choice on whether or not you agree with me, disagree with me and hate me forever, or just take in my thoughts/opinions and move on with your life.<br />
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I went to church tonight and a lot of things were spoken about that I felt like I disagreed with, or rather that I was not on the same page with. The few that I will hit on tonight are abortions, homosexuality, and Harry Potter. (Do remember, that these are my opinions.)<br />
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<b>Abortion:</b> Personally, I would never get an abortion. I think that every life is special and deserves to be lived. I feel like if you think you are old enough to have sex, then you are accepting the responsibly of possibly bringing a life into the world. Protection doesn't always work, people. It is a true fact. And yet, that is were the issue comes into play. Some people blame the fact that their protection didn't work on having their child. Yes, your protection didn't work, but from that came a beautiful life. If you are not prepared for bringing a child into the world, then you shouldn't have sex. Simple as that. There are other ways than having an abortion though if you see that you are an unfit parent. For example, if you are a drug addict and feel like you can not get off said drugs and raise your child in a safe environment, you're damn right you should not keep that child- for the child's sake. That does not mean that you should automatically pop a knife up your vag and pull that egg out. Put it up for adoption, possibly have a family member raise it for you until you are clean, etc. etc. Don't kill the kid. You made the choice to have sex whether you wanted a child or not.<br />
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I guess where I felt like I was a "bad person" while listening to the sermon is yes, I don't think abortion is right, but I am not going to push my beliefs onto someone else. If you feel like that is the right decision (though I personally think it isn't then so be it. It is your life. It is you who will have to live with that choice, not me. I heard a statistic that 4,000 babies are aborted each day. Whether or not that is true, and whether or not I think that it is a bad thing or a "whatever" thing, it is a fact and there is nothing I can do about it by holding up a sign and saying that I am not for it. I guess what I am getting at is that I feel like it is a choice, an option, one that I deffinately don't agree with, but one that is out there.<br />
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I remember in one of my history classes the topic of abortion came up and the teacher asked "If a woman is raped and and gets pregnant through her rapist, do you think that it is alright for her to get an abortion?" I got stumped there. I mean, she didnt technically choose to have sex. She was raped. And yet, she got pregnant. The question basically came down to do I personally think that she should kill the baby? My answer was no. But then again, I was not the one who got raped and pregnant. The choice is hers in the end and she will have to deal with whatever choice she makes.<br />
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<b>Homosexuality: </b>I have tons of gay, bi, and lesbian friends. This is a tough topic for me to talk about because I know either way I am going to offend someone. And tonight, in church, I felt like an outcast. Though the Bible looks down on same sex marriage, I don't. Once again, personally, I would not go for another girl. (Proof being that I married and have a child with a male.) But, if someone finds happiness with another human, whether it be male or female, who am I to deny them that happiness? A topic that I hear regularly is same sex marriage and how people view it as being "wrong". It may be... for that particular person. But not for everyone. Is being gay a choice or are you born gay? I don't know. I'm not gay. I couldn't tell you. Can two men raise a child the same way a woman and a man can? Personally, I think absolutely That child will have as much love from two men as they would from a man and a woman. Is it moral? I'm not sure. Is it "right"? It depends on your views of right and wrong. Once again, just like abortion, its not me. I am not one to go around saying "you are wrong for being gay." Because you arn't. You love someone full heartedly and if that person is the same sex as you, then that person is the same sex as you. Personal opinion.<br />
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<b>Harry Potter: </b>Once again, here I am feeling like an outcast at church. While everyone is nodding their heads agreeing that Harry Potter is full of darkness, I don't see it that way. I grew up reading Harry Potter. It is still one of my favorite book and movies series. Yes, I understand that it is full of witchcraft and wizardry. That's what the entire series is about. From my point of view, it is what you do with it. If you go out and worship satin and believe that you can fly on a broomstick, personally, that is wrong. But if you read the book and watch the movies because they are entertaining and a good read, then I don't see it as being "wrong". If my son wants to grow up watching and reading Harry Potter, I will let him. If he gets into witchcraft, then I will take the books away and slap him across the head with one of them and knock some sense into him. I think its what you take from book and series like Harry Potter. To me, its just imagination. It does not make me believe in witches and dark magic or anything like that. Just like any book, it takes me to a different world and lets me brush up on my imagination. To me, Harry Potter isn't bad. To repeat myself for the 15th time, its what you could take from it that is bad.<br />
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Someone said something tonight that really stuck with me though. It was something along the lines of "If you look at things in a harmless way, then you wont be able to see the danger in it." I guess an example that came to my mind is smoking. I see it as harmless though I know that every time a pick up a cigarette, I am damaging my body. I view it as harmless, but not only am I giving the people around me second-hand smoke, I am putting harmful chemicals into my body. Does this make me a bad person for smoking? I do not think so. Though is it something that I need to work on quitting Most deffinately. I want to live over the age of 60, thank you. But how do you "quit" Harry Potter? Is it something that needs to be stopped? And not just Harry Potter, but all books that are stories about witches or sorcery or whatever. Honestly, as a Christian, I am not sure. Am I bad Christian for enjoying these things and reading the books? Am I going against God by reading Harry Potter? Who knows.<br />
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That is my nightly rant. I hope I did not offend you, the reader. If I did, tough luck.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-14470544690773621182012-10-03T21:49:00.000-07:002012-10-03T21:49:07.000-07:00Politics Amerrrrrica.<br />
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I personally do not know who I am going to vote for, or if I am even going to vote at all. Really, I do not like either candidate. Then again, I'm not big on politics, so I do not have much room to talk. I know some people like Obama because he is a democrat and I know some people like Mitt because he is a republican. The only reason why some will vote for Obama or Mitt is because they are republican or democrat and feel like they should stick to their parties. Others will go purely off the lies that they hear through the media and not do their research on each candidate. Then again, who am I to talk?<br />
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Like I have stated before, I haven't done my research and from what I have heard from the presidential debate tonight and from the media beforehand, I am not particularly fond of either one of them. My father and I were speaking tonight during and after the debate. I agree that we need to go back to just plain old following the constitution. That's why it was made; to be followed. If we as a country are just going to throw the Constitution out the window, then there is no point in even paying attention to politics. There is no compromise. From what I see of politics, its just one person trying to one up the other, one person lying about another to try to get ahead. Politics isn't fair. It's not nice. I like nice.<br />
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For someone not knowing a darn thing about politics, I seem to have fallen into the trap of speaking my opinion on it. Though I am not quite sure what my opinion is. All I know is that I want my son to be able to have freedom of speech and expression and to be able to not pay thousands of dollars to the governments debt. I want him to grow up in a world full of love. I might as well just have said that I want my son to grow up in a world with unicorns and pots of gold at the end of every rainbow. Why is it so hard to keep the peace? Why is it so hard to respect others even though their religion or outlook on life is different from your personally? Why is it that we judge and do not think before we speak or act? I do not understand life. And I definitely do not understand politics.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-31134075973915691392012-09-24T15:36:00.001-07:002012-09-24T15:36:54.443-07:00Hiding in a holeSo, recently, my past has come back to haunt me on a daily basis. Granted, its my fault and the past wont haunt you if you clear it up, right? Well, I've cleared it up with everyone that I know and now my plan is to hide in a hole. Hiding in a hole consists of concentrating on my school work and taking care of my son.<br />
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I'm not sure what else to say. I just feel really down on myself. I have an inmate pen pal who I write to and I feel like we can talk to each other about everything openly and honestly because we have a lot of things in common. I can honestly say that I have never been able to be as honest as I am with her because I know that she wont judge me for my past. I mean, she is locked up for life. Anything I say, she can relate too.<br />
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I guess this is a time in my life where I need to reevaluate things and think long and hard about my goals in life and what I need to do to make myself a better person and fix things I have broken. This is not easy for me. I have never been a confrontational person. If there is a problem, I cover it up or lie. I'm not sure where that came from. Growing up, I had a lot of secrets. I guess to cover up my secrets, I lied. Not "good" cover up lies either. Lies that really didn't make sense. Lies to make people feel for me because it seemed like no one cared about my pain. It was my escape.<br />
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I never want that to be an example for my son. I want him to always be honest with me. By making things right, I feel like I am starting off by setting a good example though I hope that he never finds out about how "ugly" I was in my past.<br />
As for now, I plan on hiding in my hole and staying off the internet for awhile. I am just going to focus on my studies and my small family. Maybe then, I will finally be able to start over and actually live my life without fear of secrets being found out and not having to lie to cover up lies from years ago.<br />
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Here we go.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-69017914727366014152012-09-21T13:58:00.002-07:002012-09-21T13:58:14.970-07:00Rant #2 - Feeling stuckI am having a very hard time keeping my sanity. John has been working and going to school. He leaves the house around 7 am and is not home until about 10 pm. This leaves me with the full time job of taking care of John Rylan. Now, its not like I was not expecting this to be a walk in the park, but I am more emotionally and mentally drained than I have ever been. Some nights, Rylan sleeps thoroughly. Other nights, he is up every two hours. Since John has been working, I have been watching Rylan during the night and all day and then at night and then all day... the process just repeats itself. Every time I lay him down for a nap, I myself would love to sleep, but I have school to catch up on. Now, since we are so short on money, I will have to find a part time job. So a part time job, a full time mother, and a part time student = two full time jobs. I'm just not sure how, mentally, I am going to cope with it. I feel like I have never been the best at multitasking.<br />
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I am sitting here complaining and some of you are probably thinking, "Well, that's what you get for having a kid." or something along those lines. Quite frankly, that doesn't help. You should keep your opinion on whether or not I should or shouldn't have had a child to yourself. And when I moan and gripe, that does not mean that I regret one single thing about having my child because I wouldn't change a thing. I am just stressed out to the max and feel like complaining for a bit. And after I complain, I will go back to the real world and continue my job as a mother and a student. Yes, I know it doesn't sound hard. And yes, I know that "I put myself in this situation" but once again, I don't need negativity. What I do need is more than two stinking hours of sleep, a date night with my husband, and a cocktail. Will I get that? No. Am I okay with this? Yes. Why? Because I have to be. Because that is my job as a mother, to put my child's needs above mine. And that's what I am doing. I don't go out. I am trapped in my house 6/7 days a week. And for the moms out there who say "I don't see why you are complaining. I would love to be at home 24/7 with my baby." CLARIFICATION: I am not complaining about my child or being home with my child. If I could go out and spend a day with Rylan, I gladly would. But do I have a car? No. Can I get out of the house? No. Because my husband is gone all day and he has the one vehicle we have which is a stick shift which I am not comfortable driving esp with a 2 month old baby present. On top of that, try spending day after day after day feeling trapped inside your own home. It plays on your mind and gets really depressing after awhile. So, do not judge before you know all the facts.<br />
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I am done ranting, I believe.<br />
In other news, Rylan has his 2 month old check up the other day.<br />
I cried more than he did when he got his shots. He was a little trooper.<br />
He weighs 14 lbs 12 oz and is 27 inches long. BIG BOY!<br />
I am so proud of him. He is getting so big and has been such an amazing blessing in my life.<br />
I cherish every moment I have with him. He is my life line.<br />
John is doing great. I am so proud of him. He is working 8 hour days and taking 12.5 credit hours at school. Though we don't get to see each other much right now, I am very proud to call him my adoring husband.<br />
My financial aid has yet to come through. Don't get my started on that.<br />
School is school. I feel like I have not picked the right profession, but I think I will save that for another blog another time.<br />
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As for now, I leave you with this:<br />
<b><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world. – Harriet Tubman</span>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-20328663537786740282012-09-13T13:20:00.002-07:002012-09-13T13:20:48.478-07:00Pancake Lady. Period. - One not for the conservatives eyesI told my husband that I had started bleeding from my vag for the first time in a year. He told me, "Never trust anything that bleeds 5 days out of the month and doesn't die." Sweet, right? Men. They don't understand the pains of being a woman. I mean, when I'm on my period and I try to poop, a blood clot the size of Texas pops out and I'm all like, "Whoa there Lassy!" What man can really say he truly understands that? Sure, sometimes they have small rocks pass through their penis, but try child birth, man. That's like pushing a watermelon through your pee hole!<br />
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Like I've stated, I haven't had a period in a year. I don't know how this is going to effect me. I told my husband to forgive me in advance for the next five to seven days. I could cry at any second, yell for no reason, and not see any of it coming. Usually, I am pretty good at hiding my emotions. Recently, I have lost that control and have moved onto the mood swings. I feel like I am on a see-saw in a child's playground. Up and down and up and down. One second I am fine and dandy and craving some chocolate and the next, you tell me all the chocolate in the world has mysteriously disappeared and I could either punch a hole in the wall or start crying uncontrollably.<br />
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I remember in middle school, my health teacher showed the girls health class "the pancake movie." It was a movie to describe to young women how periods work. Or maybe a movie about sex. I don't remember. What I remember is the mom in this movie was explaining to her child that she had a vagina and to show her what a vag looked like, she made a pancake... that looked like a vagina with the tubes and all that jazz. What mom does that?! I mean, just sit the kid down and show her a picture book or something. But a pancake?! I tried making a pancake once in a shape of a heart and it just turned out to be a big blob of nothing. That mom must have had some mad pancake making talents because I don't know any person that can sit there and make vagina pancakes as intricate as she did. Darn you, pancake lady. Your vagina pancake is been etch a sketched into my mind for the rest of my life.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-8127152633593213702012-09-10T16:30:00.001-07:002012-09-10T16:30:12.986-07:00Mom RantsOh, life, how you can be cruel. Like the waves of the ocean, you toss and turn and yet at times you are at peace. Personally, I like the peaceful times better. Lately, I feel like I have been stuck in the middle of a hurricane and I am just waiting for the calm. Now, I am not depressed or anything like that, I am just finding that life is no cake walk. When I was younger, I always thought things would be so easy. I wanted to grow up and be a mommy and live in a big house and be able to get my nails done every once in awhile. Now, that I am a grown up, I am a mommy living with my father, I have .74 cents in my bank account, and have debt up the wazzoo, along with two house evictions at the age of 20. My fairy tale is not going as planned.<br />
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Being a mom is a lot more challenging than the good moms make it seem. Do not get my wrong, I do not regret my boy for anything. He is my life preserver in the heat of the storm. Rylan has recently started being able to copy me. I'll make a face, and he will try to do the same thing. He is starting to understand. When he fusses and cries, I speak to him calmly and try to help him understand that if he is patient, his bottle will be here in no time. It really makes me think, though, how often I am impacting his life. For example, I like to watch Law and Order and I have noticed that Ry is starting to watch TV. Is Law and Order a show I should be watching with my almost 2 month old son? Probably not. I don't really have any baby shows or DVDs though and there is nothing ever morally good on TV. Does that mean that I should stop watching movies and TV? I'm not sure. Is he old enough to catch on that someone just got killed on NCIS? I'm, once again, not sure. Will these things effect him as he grows up? Will he be more angry because when he was 2 months old he was watching angry TV shows? I have no clue. I feel like these things should come naturally to mothers. Like, moms know they have to give a lot up for their children so it should be easy as pie to stop watching a certain show or to clean up your language or to stop smoking. It is no walk in the park though. I feel like I am struggling on a day to day basis on giving things up for my son. Is that normal? For example, we have a pool and a work out place at our apartment complex, but I can not use it because I would have to find a babysitter to watch Rylan. I ask my dad on a daily basis to watch him for at least 20 minutes at night while John and I go on a walk or go to the gas station down the road just to get out of the house a little bit. That is even difficult to ask because I feel bad just leaving Ry and for asking my dad to stop what he is doing so that he can watch my child. Bad mom alert! Its like, "Okay, bye son. I need a break so I am leaving you with your grandpa for a bit." I mean, how cruel? That's not nice.<br />
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I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed with school. I have been trying to play catch up since all last week I was out of my classes. As soon as I was caught up, I now have this weeks school work to start on. Its like there is not enough time in the day to do everything.<br />
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On a brighter note, since this has been a bit of a ranting blog on the negative side, Rylan will be two months old on Tuesday. Ah, how time flies! He is already 13 pounds and growing everyday. He seems like such a smart boy. He is starting to mimic people and smile more and sleeping soundly through most of the night. I am so proud to be his mommy.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-53549761017045808052012-09-06T09:59:00.001-07:002012-09-06T09:59:17.352-07:00Back up plan<br />
Well, today is the day. I have gathered all the information Ivy Tech told me I needed, but its not exactly what they have asked for. They have asked for my tax transcripts, a copy of my social security card, and a form they gave me to fill out. I filled out the form so that is a plus. I didn't do my taxes for 2011, so the IRS gave me a paper stating that I had yet to fill them out. I went online last night and did them, but I wont have the transcripts for another two weeks. I can't find my social security card, so I went to the Social Security Office and got a paper copy type thing. Hopefully, Ivy Tech will accept what I have until I can get my new social security card and my tax transcripts in the mail which will take up to 2 weeks. If they don't, I have a back up plan.<br />
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Back up plan: If Ivy Tech wont reenroll me in my classes, I will work until the spring semester to bring in some extra money. Lord knows we need it. It is not what I really want to do, but the good thing about that is I will be taking the same classes in the spring so I will be able to study the books that I already have over the fall and have a head start on the classes when I retake them. Granted, its not what I really want. I want to go to school now so that I can start making my future even better and not be stuck at some dead end job. But, I will have to learn patience if this doesn't go through at Ivy Tech today. Patience is something I need to work on. I just want the best for my son and I know that I am not doing my best if I am not in school or at a high paying job. I know that I can do better than fast food restaurants or telemarketing. I don't want my son to look at me and think I am a failure for not attending college or think it is okay to just get a GED in high school and work in a food chain for the rest of his life. I just want to set a good example.<br />
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Anyways, either way, I will be going to college and I will be getting a degree (eventually) and everything will work out. Fingers crossed. I am being optimistic.<br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-88535937326143224182012-09-05T18:48:00.003-07:002012-09-05T18:48:41.290-07:00a religious blog - bad weekThe last few days have been rough. I keep thinking about a woman from our church. Her van broke down and financial aid hadn't gone through and everything just kept piling up one after another. She said that the day her van broke down, she just stepped back and thanked God for the van working for so long and started thanking God for everything else positive in her life. So, over the past few days, I have bee trying to do the same. Something negative happens, I thank God for letting it happen because I know the man upstairs knows what He is doing. Today was rough. Nothing was going right and it is the third or fourth day in a row that could be considered a "bad day". I laid in bed crying just thinking "Why? Why can something not go right for just one day?" I tried thanking God and asking Him for help. Where am I at now? The same place I was four hours ago. I feel discouraged and feel like everything is just falling apart. I keep feeling overwhelmed and the more I try to stay calm and find peace, the more poo rains down. I'm not sure where I am at. I know my goals and how to get there, but it just feel like one obstical after another keeps getting in the way. Its just day after day after day of arguing or financial aid not going through or bad moods or whatever the situation may be. What's going to happen tomorrow? How am I going to deal with it? How can I deal with it when its like I am supposed to keep everything hidden away and can't talk about it? I just feel like I am doing something wrong and I can't figure out what it is. I keep praying that one thing will go right. Just one to give me a little confidence boost so I can make it through the rest of the week.<br />
Is prayer enough though? I mean, God isn't some magical wizard that waves his wand around granting good days and bad days. I know everything happens for a reason and I keep trying to stay positive but after so many "bad" things, its hard to think of "good" things.<br />
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Where am I going with this? I guess, I am trying to put my faith in God. I am trying to be a better wife. I am trying to work on my future and keeping my word and being honest. I am trying to be positive. I am trying and trying and yet I feel like I am failing at all of the above. Everyone has their bad days, right? I guess I am just having a bad week.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-8705535489019943102012-09-02T18:50:00.001-07:002012-09-02T18:52:34.611-07:00The GuitarI fell in love with my husband when he was playing guitar. We were sitting on the couch at our apartment (at the time we wern't even dating) and I was just staring at him. Our other room mate, Miles, asked me what I was doing and I replied, "falling in love." John's voice was simply angelic and his skills at playing guitar just amazed me. Sometimes, we would just sit out on the porch and sing together. Most of the time I would just listen to him for hours. Songs he sang are engraved in my memory. Those were the times I cherish most from those days. He was simply an angel to me. Once we got to know each other, we just fell in love. We would literally go on six hour long walks around our neighborhood and just talked about anything and everything. We would look at house after house and pretend it was our own or how we would fix it up if we bought it. We would lay in the middle of the road and just look up at the stars and hold hands. I miss those times. Now, when I hear him play guitar, it makes me sad. Some songs he plays just make me bawl like a baby. I'm not sure why. Maybe its because when I remember those times, in all the good fun we had, we were both struggling with our past and with our own demons. Maybe its because most of the songs he sings are morbidly depressing, but I don't think that is it. When he sings, when he plays, it just brings back memories. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those times where we could just walk and talk for hours. Sometimes I wish we could just have a time machine and just pause the in the moment when he first told me he loved me. Back then, we barely had any responsibility. We just lived life, did what we want when we wanted, and had fun. When I hear those songs, when I hear him sing, it brings back those memories and though they were great memories, they make me sad. I don't want to be sad when I hear him play because him playing was what made me fall for him. (Well, one of the things)<br />
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Don't get me wrong, I love my son and I love that I have responsibility and that I am improving my life. Times were just simpler then. Granted, the person I was then was not the person I wanted to be. I was into drugs and just the "hippie" stage, I guess. Love and peace and no responsibility and opening your mind to newer and grander things. I miss that. But, I just wrote a blog about this. I wrote how life changes and you can either embrace the change or live in the past. If I chose to live in the past, I would be a horrible mom. I wouldn't be going to school and I would just be a leach, living off whoever I could to get what I wanted while in the process leaving my son to be taken care of by someone else. I would be me taking care of him when it was convenient it for me, when I had time to stop my peace and no responsibility life style.<br />
I guess that's what John playing guitar reminds me of. It reminds me of all the good times that aren't coming back, that can't come back because now is now and now I am a mom.<br />
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Sometimes when I hear him sing, I smile. I miss his voice. But I also know the reason why he sings. He sings when he is upset or sad or something is on his mind. It is his escape. That's how he writes music. And knowing that he is locking himself up for a few hours to be alone and there's nothing I can do to help or "make it all better" kills me. I just want to be that happy thought that pulls him through. I feel like I haven't been able to do that lately. I feel like though I am being a good mom, I am not being a good wife because no matter how hard I try, I haven't seen him really and truly smile and be simply happy in a long, long time. He reassures me that it isn't me and its not my fault, but I still feel like a steaming pile of poo. I am so proud of my husband for trying to improve his life and do what is best for himself and for his family. I just feel like no matter how many times I say "I love you" or "its going to be okay", its just not enough because I can't fix the problem and I don't have the wisdom to give him the right advice.<br />
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I'm not sure how to end this. I just want to be happy and make my husband happy. I am striving for happiness. That is my goal.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-23171940063183010942012-09-01T21:22:00.001-07:002012-09-01T21:22:56.271-07:00Life in generalToday has been a long day. We drove to New Harmony to meet with an old friend for a little while, went to Kadriene's and Miles' going away dinner, went to the mall, and then went to their hotel to go swimming for a bit. Needless to say, it was eventful. We look little Rylan along and I think it was just a bit much for him.<br />
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John and I have realized for awhile that we have little to no friends. We have our main group which consists of his best friend and my best friend. Then we have the few friends that we see every once in awhile. But what I realized even more tonight is that we need friends who have a family lifestyle. Example: When we went to the hotel tonight, we sat outside a bit while the baby was upstairs with Miles' mom. That was nice just to spend some time hanging out and talking with friends. But when we got back up to the room, there was loud rap music playing with curse words every other word and beer and Rylan was there. It just felt so uncomfortable at that point. Its like, I don't want my son listening to this or being around a party like scene. Granted, he will never remember it because he is just a baby, but its the principle of it. I am not going to be one of those mothers who takes her child bar hoping or to parties or whatever. If I want a night out or a night to hang out with friends or whatever, I will either find a baby sitter or do it another night. Tonight was just a reinforcement of that. My son needs positive influences and I know that. I guess what I am getting at is that we just need married couple friends. We need friends that have a positive attitude that respect that there is a baby around, you know? Now, I am not dissing on our friends at all. If anything, I am dissing on myself for putting my child in certain situations. I don't mind loud rap music or curse words but around my child, I do. I don't want my son to be growing up know what the word "fuck" means.<br />
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Once again, I am rambling.<br />
An update on life: John Rylan McCleary Douglas is almost two months old. (August 11th will be the 2 month date) He weighs 13 pounds 12 ounces. What a big boy! He has been having some pooping problems again. We are giving him dilated prune juice to help him out. At first, we gave him too much because had only pooped 5 times in 3 days so I was like pouring it down his throat. (Figure of speech) His poor little butt got so red! Now, he is back to not pooping regularly so I just need to find a happy medium.<br />
School is overwhelming. It's harder than I thought. Even going part time, its hard to be a full time mom. But, once again, I am trying to find the happy medium.<br />
Recently, I have been so thankful for my father. He has been such a blessing to my husband and I and has been an awesome grandpa. In the past, I haven't really been able to be open and honest with anyone, esp my father. But I have been working on that a lot and it feels nice to just be able to talk to my dad sometimes.<br />
Ups and downs have been happening lately, but I suppose that is a part of life. Thankfully, there have been ups than downs, but the downs seem pretty low. I am just trying to stay optimistic and keep my chin up.<br />
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Anyways, not much has changed. Not much is happening. I am working towards making my marriage stronger and being the best mom I can be. I am working on both diligently and hoping for the best in mine and my families life. I am thankful for the friends that we do have and I am thankful for the family support that we have gotten. All in all, I am thankful and I am ready for the good things to come.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-84213383114163704192012-08-31T22:18:00.001-07:002012-08-31T22:18:26.147-07:00Questions with no answersWhat makes life so good? What makes you get back up after you fall straight on your face? How can the good be there so vibrantly one day and disappear so rapidly the next? What happens when it is gone? Will the happiness come back or will it just stay in the cold dark corner that you are just daring to enter, but afraid of the outcome when it reappears? How do you know what the right thing to do is?<br />
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These are questions that run through my mind on a daily basis. These are questions that seem to remained unanswered. Now, there has to be a point to this blog, I'm just not sure what it is yet.<br />
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I saw a phrase once that keeps running through my mind: "People change, memories don't." What makes people change? I know the answer to that. Life changes people. Is change good? In my opinion, yes. I used to be afraid of change. I used to be afraid of the death of the ones I hold close. But I am not anymore. I went through a hard time early last year, late the year before that. I got into some hardcore things that were fun at the time and fun looking back, but I would never repeat those times. What made me change? Life. I became a wife. I became a mother. And though I look back on my memories and miss those special times, I don't want to go back to them. Missing something is different than... oh, what am I trying to say? I mean that I know people that miss their past so much that they don't embrace their future. They are so wrapped up in missing those times that they arn't willing to change. Change is a difficult thing and it comes with unexpected turns and disappointment. But it also comes with so much maturity and growth and happiness. The question there would be, do you want to live in your past and miss out on your future, or embrace the change and the difficulties that come along with it? Embrace it, and you will still have the memories of the past, but will be making new ones to look back again on one day. Steer away from it, hide from it, embrace your past, and you may regret what you will be missing.<br />
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I'm not sure if I had made a point yet or if I have just been rambling. I have a lot on my mind and yet I am having a hard time putting it into words. I am having a hard time admitting to my thoughts. Thats a problem with blogs- you can write anything you want, but everyone else can read it. Its like, with blogs you have to speak in code so you get your point across without offending anyone.<br />
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There is no point to this blog. If there was, it would be that I have a lot of questions that are unanswered. I have a lot on my mind and a lot of things that I need to confront, but I am just too afraid too. The point to this blog is that I just dont know much. The one thing I do know, the one thing that I will never have to question or regret is the love I have for my son. That will never change and that is the one change that I am so glad that I will never make.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-25017709850279483162012-08-27T20:53:00.002-07:002012-08-27T20:53:47.905-07:00Here we go againOh gosh, I haven't written a blog in so long, I might've forgotten how to make a normal life style into sounding somewhat exciting or explain my lack of excitement in a somewhat interesting manner.<br />
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I feel like my butt has been glued to the couch lately. I find that the most excitement I get is going on a few walks during the day with my son or driving to the gas station to get a mountain dew. Its strange to get such excitement from such little things. I find myself looking forward to each walk and to each short drive down the road just to get out of the house. I long to feel the wind in my hair and dream of the past where late nights were every night and sleep wasn't really required. I guess I just feel a bit stir crazy. Ever since we moved back to Evansville, I have been missing my job desperately. I really miss the people I worked with and just my work in general. That job can never be replaced. It inspired me to choose the profession I am going back to school for. I even miss the days where I would come home crying from such a stressful night. At least I wasn't sitting on my bum. The bright side of the bum sitting is that I get to sit with my son. He is truly my light. Sometimes I miss being able to just go out and do whatever I want, whenever I wanted, with little to no responsibility, but then I wouldn't have my boy. Or if I did, I would be a horrible mother and that is my worst fear. I would give up the world for John Rylan and if that means I would have to bum sit everyday for the rest of my life, I would. Things will get a bit more exciting once he gets a bit older, though. We will be able to take him to the pool or play cars or whatever. I know that when he does start to get a bit older though, I will miss the times where he would just lay in my arms and gaze into my eyes. I miss that just now as he lays sleeping and as I am hopelessly typing, trying to get myself a bit more tired so I can sleep.<br />
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Things are going well, I suppose. My financial aid for school has yet to come in. With it being the second week of school, I still have one more book I need. Money is a major issues right now, but don't get me started on that. I already think about that too much, and I just might have to write a blog over it sometime when I find the time between changing diapers, studying, cleaning, doing laundry, and taking my daily walks. But as for now, just imagine a homeless man with nothing but a penny to his name. I'd be the lady barely above him with just $3.48 to give credit to my name. Its times like these where I wish money grew on trees. I would have a lot of trees. Big trees.<br />
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John Rylan is doing well. Poor guy has been constipated lately. I feel sorry for him if he ever reads these blogs when he gets older. I can see it now, "Mom! Why did you post that on the internet!?". My response will be something along the lines of, "I'm your mom, I can do what I want." Ah, the joys of parenthood.<br />
He is getting so big. I swear, he grows more and more by the second. He can already fit into some of his 3 month clothes. Granted, there is still some room for growing, but he is getting there! He will be two months old on September 9th. The time has really flown by. I already miss my little newborn, but I am so happy that so far he is growing up to be a healthy little guy. John is having a hard time adjusting to fatherhood, I think. He isn't good with the whole fussing and baby crying thing, which is a lot of what infants do. He said to me earlier today, "All he does is cry." and I'm thinking, well yeah, he is a baby. He is barely two months old, its not like he can do much yet. But, I think John is over reacting a bit because when I am with Ry, he is an angel. (Most days. (; ) Then again, that may be the whole "motherly instinct" thing going on. Who knows. The point is, Rylan is growing and doing well.<br />
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Life is life. Lemons are lemons. And the clock still turns.<br />
Minute by minute I am happy for all the blessings I have in my life.<br />
Second by second I am happy I am alive and have the few things I cherish most close by me.<br />
Life, as of now, is alright. It will only get better from here on out. Whoop.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-6582888604502914112012-08-20T07:44:00.000-07:002012-08-20T07:44:39.216-07:00Rant I already hate school. What a load of donkey dodo.<br />
My financial aid wont go through because apparently my PIN isn't correct. Um, excuse me? I have used the same gosh darn pin for all my accounts. Then you want me to change it. Okay. I change it. But does it work? No. Does this stuff always happen to me? Yes.<br />
The last time I was planning on attending college (Yes, this is not the first time. Don't judge.) something got all screwed up with my financial aid and I couldn't get into any classes until the week before the semester started. Well guess what? The semester starts today, I am expected to pay Ivy Tech x amount of money, I am expected to buy books and supplies and my gosh darn student loans haven't gone through because of a silly PIN. The financial aid office wont even know what to do. I have disabled, reconnected, changed, done everything to that darn PIN that I can and it still doesn't work.<br />
This is the problem with schooling. Why should I have to pay $3,000+ a semester, plus books, plus supplies, in order to just broaden my mind? Why should it cost so much money to actually do something with your life? If you want to be a pizza delivery guy for the rest of your life, you don't have to put out anything. But to actually do something respectable like nursing or teaching or whatever, you have to pay thousands of dollars. Then, when the government offers to help you, (in my case) it mysteriously never works out.<br />
I am so frustrated! All I want to do is learn. It really shouldn't be this complicated.<br />
I am having some major temper issues this morning. I am trying so hard to control my frustration and to just keep it all in, stay calm, and just think positive. But I know that the financial aid office is just going to tell me to go home and do the exact same thing that I have been doing. I know that they will not be a help at all and my financial aid wont go through. (Well, I dont know that. That is just negativity talking.) I dont know why I am being so negative. I rally need to turn my attitude around or my whole day is going to be ruined by this.<br />
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Technically classes start today. I dont know how to access my online classes so I am going to a little 30 minutes training session thing today to learn about blackboard. I am hoping that it will be as easy as pie and that I will be able to do the first assignment without a darn book.<br />
I think my nerves are getting to me and causing the frustration to be much worse than everything actually is if that makes sense. *Sigh*<br />
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I need a nap.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8660895049152381372.post-25991789197447542552012-08-18T20:46:00.004-07:002012-08-18T20:46:52.836-07:00Good ValuesI'm not sure if I am just getting old or what, but we just watched a movie that had curse word after curse word in it and I felt just down right dirty. I'm not sure if dirty is the right word but I was like ashamed that I watched the movie. Granted, it was one of the worst movie I have ever seen with no plot line besides the fact that Nicholis Cage was a nasty coke whore who was trying to keep his addiction covered up while being a cop. Seriously, horrible movie. But the point is, I used to be able to watch whatever. Now, its like ever time someone drops the f bomb, I'm like, "Oh no they diiiidnt!". I mean, even watching "dark movies" gives me a bad feeling. I am a mommy and I dont really want my boy to be hearing curse words all the time. Therefore, I dont curse (much) and I dont really want to be watching films that are nasty.<br />
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I felt like such a loner tonight. John and I wanted to go hang out with friends tonight, with it being a Saturday night and all, and we called the two friends we have. One didnt answer and the other was busy. We ot to the point where we were just lookin through our phones and calling random people that we hadnt talked too in months to see if they wanted to hang out. We ended up taking Ry on his first stroller walk in the state hospital park. It was nice having some good family time, but John and I both felt lame. I think its just one of those things that since we are married and have a family, we need friends that have that family value type of mind frame. We dont really roll around with the people we used too anymore seeing how most of them are former or current druggies. We dont really want our son around bad influences and we dont need to be around them either. I guess trying to make your life better has its disadvantages too: fewer friends who respect good values. Oh well. You win some and you lose some, I guess.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15540401449001651073noreply@blogger.com0