John Rylan's first Easter- Pastor Wright and The sweet spirit

I haven't blogged in awhile, so please excuse my poor grammar that may or may not be in this entry, but I wanted to share some on John Rylan's first Easter.

We had a guest speaker at our church this Easter weekend. It was amazing to hear such a powerful, inspirational speaker for the Lord. I feel blessed to have been able to hear Pastor Wright speak and preach the good Word. After three days of services, Pastor Wright came to John Rylan and immediately Ry started smiling his charming smile. He said something that I will never forget, that may seem meaningless to some, but to a mother, it was touching. He said, "He has a sweet spirit." 

My love for you is endless

                                     A mothers love is instinctual, unconditional, and forever.

When someone speaks of someone else's spirit, it could be negative, it could be positive, it could be religious, it could be just a compliment. But coming from a man of God, speaking of someone's spirit is like speaking of their soul. It is hard to put into words to describe what I am talking about. So maybe I will just leave it at this: John Rylan is my sweet spirited prince. He is the light of my life. I am so thankful that I have been blessed with such an amazing child, who can light up someone's life with his smile. I am in such awe of how his eyes can speak so much, of how his smile can bring this enormous feeling of love to my heart at any given moment, and how I could be so incredibly blessed. 

                       

                                               You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

I have been thinking a lot this weekend as Pastor Wright spoke about good friday and the days leading up to Easter Sunday. He said something, I think it was today, that got me to think even more; something that I had never thought about before. God sent his Son to this Earth to save us and at the end of Jesus' life on Earth he was tortured and hung on a cross. What I got to thinking about was Mary- Jesus' mother- and God. How could they have felt to see their son being brutally punished for the world's sins? As a mother, just to see John Rylan cry is almost torture in itself. But to see him hurt, to see him in unimaginable pain... well, that's just unimaginable! Once again, I am not sure how to describe what I am talking about effectively or how to get the point across. I guess what I am getting at is that I am thankful that God sent his son to us. And I am thankful that God created my son and sent him to me. 

A smile is a light in the window of the soul indicating that the heart is at home

                   

                       There are hundreds of languages in the world but a smile speaks them all

                                       A smile from a child is a gift of sunshine and rainbows

Biggest Loser Yoga Workout - Day 1

Today, I started my work out routine. Today's blog will be about the challenges I will be facing and my hopes of improvement.

Weight Loss Issues

I used to work out all the time. In fact, I was a weight loss Nazi  I would work and work and work until I literally could not stand anymore. I was obsessed with being the skinniest I could be. I think that will be the biggest challenge of working out and getting back to a healthy weight. I mean, right now I am at a normal weight, but my stomach is still all flabby from having Rylan. I want to not be embarrassed about my new found fat rolls and be a healthy skinny. Instead of going back to not eating, I have willfully decided that I will start doing a 30 minute yoga workout everyday. I am going to try my hardest to eat healthy food and to drink more water and less soft drinks. I just want to look and feel better without throwing up what I just ate or not eating at all. But, I also have to keep myself in line because I can get obsessed with working out. And that turns out horribly.

Time

My plan is to do my work out while my son, Rylan, is taking a nap during the afternoon. The only problem with that is, that Rylan sometimes only takes 15 minute naps. Other times, he will be out for a good two hours. I am hoping that I will have enough time to fit in my work out and do my homework and take care of my son, etc. Time may be a big issue. But I hope I will be able to stick to it.

Sticking To It

I have an issue with starting things and not finishing them. I always put things off until the last minute. So, by the end of the day, if I haven't done my work out, I say to myself, "Oh, I'll just do two tomorrow." And then I will be too intimidated for the two work outs the next day and then just not do it. I guess I will just have to stick with it all.

Goals

My goal is to just feel better and look better. I don't want like 6 pack and massive arms and a crazy about of strength. I just want to have my medium amount of flab gone in my abs, some extra strength so I can pick up my son without huffing and puffing about how heavy he is, and to tone up my muscles. I want to start eating healthier - but that is expensive  I want to go from drinking 1-2 44 oz cokes a day, to 3 44 oz a weeks. I want to drink more water and juices and eat less carbs. I want to do this so I can be a better mommy; so that I can play soccer with my son and not get worn out and be able to throw him over my shoulders. I want to do this for me. I want to feel beautiful again. I am the only one standing in my way.


Get it.


“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 
― Maya Angelou

Ways to Improve & Update

I have been thinking of ways that I can improve my life style so I can be a happier me and in turn be a better mommy. That's all I want to be is a good mom.

1. Meditation
I have started a new nightly ritual. After Rylan goes to sleep, I end up doing homework for a few hours. Facebook always distracts me so a 1 hour homework session always turns into 2 or 3 hours. Anyways, after I get done with homework, I sit on my floor and meditate in the dark, sometimes with soft music in the background. Having that silent time to myself has really brought me some sanity. I think I have my own form of meditation. I don't know if I "do it right", but having that quiet, positive thinking time really helps me think happy thoughts before I go to bed and in turn I wake up happier.

2. Vitamins/ Eating Healthier
I have not been taking my daily vitamins. I think that if I get into the habit of taking my vitamins and not having ANY fast food, I will feel better. The hardest part will be cutting out cokes from my life. I have gotten into the nasty habit of drinking 1-3 44oz cokes a day. I have gotten addicted. Like, for me to function fully, I need to run down to the gas station and grab a coke-a-cola. One, that is a tone of money down the drain. Two, no one ever said coke was healthy for you. Even though I wish it was... daily.

3. Yoga
Well, I already have the yoga pants, why not put them to good use? I have realized that it has been six months since I had Rylan. I can't pull the "its still baby fat" trick anymore. Granted, I know that I will not be 100 lbs again unless I start downing diet pills and become anorexic again. (Secret: I have to tell myself daily to not throw up my food and that being 100 lbs was unhealthy. Secret #2: I only think I am skinny enough/pretty when my ribs look like they are sticking out. Basically when I look like I just stepped out of a concentration camp. Don't judge or ask me why. It is just something I deal with on a daily basis.) Anyways, I want to be healthy. Not anorexically skinny. I want to be able to look at myself and think that I am a good, HEALTHY weight. So, I think Yoga would be a nice, quiet workout for me to do when Rylan takes naps during the day. Also, I heard its really relaxing.

4. NO MORE SMOKING
John and I have come up with a plan to stop smoking! I have tried these past few months, but with John not on board, it has just been a failed mission. Its hard to quit when there are cigarettes constantly around. But! Hopefully, in a few months, we will be a smoke free household. Now, for those of you who do not know, we do not smoke around Rylan. When we are driving and he is in the car, we don't smoke. We do not smoke inside our house, we always step outside. I am determined to quit smoking! I hope that this works because I miss being able to breathe.





Update on Rylan Boy:
Oh, how it has been a long week. My little duckie is still sickly. Even though he has not been feeling well, he has a continuous smile on his face. You can't even tell he is sick until he starts hacking up a lung or snot drips straight from his nose to his mouth. Which is gross every time. Ry has never been super sick before so this is a new experience for me. I find myself waking up at night just to check on him. Night time is a horror. Every time he coughs it sounds like he is choking so I rush up to make sure he is alright. Sometimes he coughs so hard he starts to vomit and chokes. It scares me because I don't know when it will happen. Sleep has not come easily these past few days to say the least. Tomorrow I will be calling his doctor to see if there is anything else they can do for him. The antibiotics he was put on do not seem to be helping much. Hopefully he will heal quickly and he will able to get back to his normal, happy self.
Even though he is sick, I am so thankful for my baby boy. He brings so much joy to our home. Watching him go through these sickies like a champ makes me so proud. I love my baby boy.

"If there's anything to say, If there's anything to do, If there's any other way, I'll do anything for you."

My sick little man

Today has just been an overwhelming day for me and I am sure it has been a big day for Rylan too.
Poor little guy has RSV. His cough has gotten increasingly worse, he is throwing up, and running a fever.
This is the first time that he has been really sick and I feel like I have handled it... well, like a new mom who has no clue what to do would handle it.

When his doctor called me back and said they didn't have any spots open for him to come in and to take him to the urgent care... I freaked out.
When we got to the Urgent Care office and they said he was sick... I freaked out.
When they gave him a breathing treatment... I freaked out.
When I didn't have enough money to get him his antibiotics... I felt like I needed to receive the bad mother of the year award.

For the past few nights I have been having the worst night terrors. I guess I do it to myself, though. I follow a lot of children on facebook who have childhood cancer or some type of illness. I figure its the least thing I can do is pray for one of these kids each night. Every prayer helps, right? But every time I look at a page, I just image what pain I would be in if Rylan were to get super sick. My mind does this stupid thing where it makes up stories and instead of it being some random person, its Rylan. So, like I was saying, for the past few nights I have had night terrors of Rylan having to have chemo or I am sitting at Rylan's funeral or Rylan was just diagnosed with something horrible and I can't get a hold of my husband to tell him so I am sitting all alone. Today, when he was coughing none stop and throwing up, its like my head was reviewing these night terrors and it took everything in me to not just break down and cry. And no, I am not on my period.

Worst mother of the year award goes to me. I go to Walmart to get his prescription filled and only have 40 dollars with me. Long story short, while I was at the register ready to pay, Rylan starting hacking up a lung and the cashier was just looking at me like, "and you have him out, why?". Then, when she said it was going to be 65 dollars, I just looked down at the cash in my hand and said I couldn't afford it right now. She seriously looked at me like I was white trash, gave my son a sympathetic look, looked at me again and rolled her eyes, and told me the prescription would be there when we would have the money to pay for it. I cried the whole way home. My husband was able to get paid for some of the work he has done and is currently going to get the antibiotics. But still, the worst feeling ever is having something to help your sons pain go away right in front of you, and you cant get it for him.

I am thankful that we know what is going on with my poor little baby.
I hope that he will get over this soon and start to feel better.
Good thoughts and prayers are always appreciated from those of you who actually read these blogs.

Something simple - just another day

It amazes me how much joy such a little guy can bring to so many people. It is usually a Sunday when I realize what an impact Rylan has already made on so many people's lives.
My husband's father is a preacher so every Sunday we sit front and center at the church. By the time church is over, Rylan has gotten hugs and kisses from half of the congregation and has been passed off at least three different times to be held by people. He sings and dances when praise and worship is going on and just loves to listen to his Grandpa preach it!

By the time Sunday has come to a close, Rylan has brought so much happiness to so many people... and he can't even talk. His smile can light up the world. His eyes have so much to say. His heart is always willing to love on someone new. I hope that when he gets older he won't forget all the charming characteristics that he has now. I hope to be able to teach him to love more, smile more, and speak kindly.

I love my son to pieces. I am so blessed to have him in my life.

Ramblings on Home school vs Public School

With all the recent school shootings, John and I have often asked ourselves what we think the right decision for Rylan will be when he gets to the schooling age; Home school or Public school. He and I were both home schooled and went to public school, so we got "the best of both worlds" so to speak.

I remember loving and hating home school. I remember loving and hating public school. School is school and at one point and time in your life, you're going to hate it. Even if it is just one day, you will feel the wrath of ten home work assignments and a six page report over some random disease looming over you and you will hate school.

It brings me to the question, which I have already stated, what will be the best choice for Rylan? Should we home school him or send him to a public/private school? I guess one of the few reasons of why I wouldn't want him going to a public/private school is just with all the recent shootings. I admit, I am fearful. Everyone always says, "Oh, that won't happen here." But what if it does? What if I send him to a private school that bases their teachings off of Christianity?  Maybe someone against Christianity will come in and start taking their anger out on my child and his fellow class mates. On the other hand, what if someone breaks into my house while I am teaching my son and shoots us for our TV? I'm being serious. Shootings happen everywhere. It is probably more likely that I will get shot in my own home than my son will at school - but just the thought makes me shake. Can I protect my child more if he is home schooled? Most likely. But am I going to make Rylan wear a suit of armor every time he walks out the door for his protection? No.

Home schooling was, at times, a blast. I went to home school groups and still got to be in band/orchestra, I learned how to ball room dance, I got to go to art classes... on those days, it was a blast! But at home, I basically had to teach myself. I remember waking up and having my assignments written out for me and I wouldn't even see my ex step mom until after lunch. I felt so lonely on the days I didn't go to Praise or Excelsior!. That being said, I feel like I would be a better teacher. Rephrase that. I hope I would be a better teacher. (I feel like my knowledge in the math and science department is lacking.)

Public school was, at times, horrific. Other times, it was the bomb diggity. The reason why I was home schooled in 7th and 8th grade was because I came home crying on a daily basis in 6th grade. I was teased about my height or my hair or this and that. The deal breaker was when someone made fun of my birth mom for only having one arm and asked me if my arm was going to fall off one day. Kids can be cruel. Another positive for home schooling. You don't have the teasing! On the other hand, you don't have the interaction of being around people on a daily basis. Home schooling can kind of shelter children from all the hate, but it can also shelter them from learning how to react in hateful situations or just learning how to deal with life in general. I know the transfer from home school to public school my freshman year was a huge change. I had to get back into the swing of going to classes and doing homework and interacting with other students and teachers. I had more opportunities to get into musical things that I liked, such as school plays and marching band. I have always been a people person and I think public school really enhanced that.

I guess there are positives to negatives to each. It will be a big decision when that time comes.
As for now, I am going to hold my baby every second I can get and not think about the horrible acts of ugly that are going on in the world.

The big day- when you realize this wont last forever

Today was the day. January 18, 2013- John Rylan sat up by himself.

He has sat up by himself before for a few second, or even a few minutes. But today.. today he was a big boy.I sat him down gently on the carpet and sat behind him like I usually do to steady him if he tipped over. A couple of minutes went by and his butt seemed to be glued to the ground. I stood up and grabbed my camera and took a few shots. A few minutes later, he was still there, unmoved. I took a few more pictures and watched the clock as time past. Ten minutes passed and I was almost in tears. I sat on the couch (right next to where he was sitting) and watched him play with some toys. Fifteen minutes passed. I snapped some more candid shots. I then did an experiment. He could see me the whole time and I know he knew if he started to fall, I would catch him. So, I stood up, and pretended like I walked out of the room. I stood behind him a few feet and watched his reaction. He looked around to see if I was still there. When he could not find me, he sat silent for a while, once again not moving. A few minutes passed and all of the sudden I heard a loud screech and a giggle. He started slightly bouncing on his bum and playing with his toys in front of him. He was so excited to be sitting up by himself with, what seemed like, no supervision.

Today was a day I will never forget. A milestone for my little man. He sat up by himself for a good twenty to thirty minutes. He would have done it longer, but I had to pee and didn't want to leave him in the living room sitting up with no supervision. I think today was a day that he found out something too- he can do things without mommy. When he sat there for a few minutes, looking around to see where I had gone, he looked as though he was processing that mommy was not there. What should he do? How should he react? After moments passed, he realized, too, that he was a big boy.  He will not remember the first moment that he didn't need mommy anymore, but I sure will.

My baby boy is growing up so quickly in front of my eyes. I was looking through pictures of when he was born and it was crazy how much he has already changed and grown. He looks so much older than he did three months ago. And those three months seemed like three days. I am excited to see what the next few months will bring, but I hope that they don't fly by as fast. I know that I will miss these days. I already do.