Friday, August 31, 2012

Questions with no answers

What makes life so good? What makes you get back up after you fall straight on your face? How can the good be there so vibrantly one day and disappear so rapidly the next? What happens when it is gone? Will the happiness come back or will it just stay in the cold dark corner that you are just daring to enter, but afraid of the outcome when it reappears? How do you know what the right thing to do is?

These are questions that run through my mind on a daily basis. These are questions that seem to remained unanswered. Now, there has to be a point to this blog, I'm just not sure what it is yet.

I saw a phrase once that keeps running through my mind: "People change, memories don't." What makes people change? I know the answer to that. Life changes people. Is change good? In my opinion, yes. I used to be afraid of change. I used to be afraid of the death of the ones I hold close. But I am not anymore. I went through a hard time early last year, late the year before that. I got into some hardcore things that were fun at the time and fun looking back, but I would never repeat those times. What made me change? Life. I became a wife. I became a mother. And though I look back on my memories and miss those special times, I don't want to go back to them. Missing something is different than... oh, what am I trying to say? I mean that I know people that miss their past so much that they don't embrace their future. They are so wrapped up in missing those times that they arn't willing to change. Change is a difficult thing and it comes with unexpected turns and disappointment. But it also comes with so much maturity and growth and happiness. The question there would be, do you want to live in your past and miss out on your future, or embrace the change and the difficulties that come along with it? Embrace it, and you will still have the memories of the past, but will be making new ones to look back again on one day. Steer away from it, hide from it, embrace your past, and you may regret what you will be missing.

I'm not sure if I had made a point yet or if I have just been rambling. I have a lot on my mind and yet I am having a hard time putting it into words. I am having a hard time admitting to my thoughts. Thats a problem with blogs- you can write anything you want, but everyone else can read it. Its like, with blogs you have to speak in code so you get your point across without offending anyone.

There is no point to this blog. If there was, it would be that I have a lot of questions that are unanswered. I have a lot on my mind and a lot of things that I need to confront, but I am just too afraid too. The point to this blog is that I just dont know much. The one thing I do know, the one thing that I will never have to question or regret is the love I have for my son. That will never change and that is the one change that I am so glad that I will never make.




Monday, August 27, 2012

Here we go again

Oh gosh, I haven't written a blog in so long, I might've forgotten how to make a normal life style into sounding somewhat exciting or explain my lack of excitement in a somewhat interesting manner.

I feel like my butt has been glued to the couch lately. I find that the most excitement I get is going on a few walks during the day with my son or driving to the gas station to get a mountain dew. Its strange to get such excitement from such little things. I find myself looking forward to each walk and to each short drive down the road just to get out of the house. I long to feel the wind in my hair and dream of the past where late nights were every night and sleep wasn't really required. I guess I just feel a bit stir crazy. Ever since we moved back to Evansville, I have been missing my job desperately. I really miss the people I worked with and just my work in general. That job can never be replaced. It inspired me to choose the profession I am going back to school for. I even miss the days where I would come home crying from such a stressful night. At least I wasn't sitting on my bum. The bright side of the bum sitting is that I get to sit with my son. He is truly my light. Sometimes I miss being able to just go out and do whatever I want, whenever I wanted, with little to no responsibility, but then I wouldn't have my boy. Or if I did, I would be a horrible mother and that is my worst fear. I would give up the world for John Rylan and if that means I would have to bum sit everyday for the rest of my life, I would. Things will get a bit more exciting once he gets a bit older, though. We will be able to take him to the pool or play cars or whatever. I know that when he does start to get a bit older though, I will miss the times where he would just lay in my arms and gaze into my eyes. I miss that just now as he lays sleeping and as I am hopelessly typing, trying to get myself a bit more tired so I can sleep.

Things are going well, I suppose. My financial aid for school has yet to come in. With it being the second week of school, I still have one more book I need. Money is a major issues right now, but don't get me started on that. I already think about that too much, and I just might have to write a blog over it sometime when I find the time between changing diapers, studying, cleaning, doing laundry, and taking my daily walks. But as for now, just imagine a homeless man with nothing but a penny to his name. I'd be the lady barely above him with just $3.48 to give credit to my name. Its times like these where I wish money grew on trees. I would have a lot of trees. Big trees.

John Rylan is doing well. Poor guy has been constipated lately. I feel sorry for him if he ever reads these blogs when he gets older. I can see it now, "Mom! Why did you post that on the internet!?". My response will be something along the lines of, "I'm your mom, I can do what I want." Ah, the joys of parenthood.
He is getting so big. I swear, he grows more and more by the second. He can already fit into some of his 3 month clothes. Granted, there is still some room for growing, but he is getting there! He will be two months old on September 9th. The time has really flown by. I already miss my little newborn, but I am so happy that so far he is growing up to be a healthy little guy. John is having a hard time adjusting to fatherhood, I think. He isn't good with the whole fussing and baby crying thing, which is a lot of what infants do. He said to me earlier today, "All he does is cry." and I'm thinking, well yeah, he is a baby. He is barely two months old, its not like he can do much yet. But, I think John is over reacting a bit because when I am with Ry, he is an angel. (Most days. (; ) Then again, that may be the whole "motherly instinct" thing going on. Who knows. The point is, Rylan is growing and doing well.

Life is life. Lemons are lemons. And the clock still turns.
Minute by minute I am happy for all the blessings I have in my life.
Second by second I am happy I am alive and have the few things I cherish most close by me.
Life, as of now, is alright. It will only get better from here on out. Whoop.




Monday, August 20, 2012

Rant

I already hate school. What a load of donkey dodo.
My financial aid wont go through because apparently my PIN isn't correct. Um, excuse me? I have used the same gosh darn pin for all my accounts. Then you want me to change it. Okay. I change it. But does it work? No. Does this stuff always happen to me? Yes.
The last time I was planning on attending college (Yes, this is not the first time. Don't judge.) something got all screwed up with my financial aid and I couldn't get into any classes until the week before the semester started. Well guess what? The semester starts today, I am expected to pay Ivy Tech x amount of money, I am expected to buy books and supplies and my gosh darn student loans haven't gone through because of a silly PIN. The financial aid office wont even know what to do. I have disabled, reconnected, changed, done everything to that darn PIN that I can and it still doesn't work.
This is the problem with schooling. Why should I have to pay $3,000+ a semester, plus books, plus supplies, in order to just broaden my mind? Why should it cost so much money to actually do something with your life? If you want to be a pizza delivery guy for the rest of your life, you don't have to put out anything. But to actually do something respectable like nursing or teaching or whatever, you have to pay thousands of dollars. Then, when the government offers to help you, (in my case) it mysteriously never works out.
I am so frustrated! All I want to do is learn. It really shouldn't be this complicated.
I am having some major temper issues this morning. I am trying so hard to control my frustration and to just keep it all in, stay calm, and just think positive. But I know that the financial aid office is just going to tell me to go home and do the exact same thing that I have been doing. I know that they will not be a help at all and my financial aid wont go through. (Well, I dont know that. That is just negativity talking.) I dont know why I am being so negative. I rally need to turn my attitude around or my whole day is going to be ruined by this.

Technically classes start today. I dont know how to access my online classes so I am going to a little 30 minutes training session thing today to learn about blackboard. I am hoping that it will be as easy as pie and that I will be able to do the first assignment without a darn book.
I think my nerves are getting to me and causing the frustration to be much worse than everything actually is if that makes sense. *Sigh*

I need a nap.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Good Values

I'm not sure if I am just getting old or what, but we just watched a movie that had curse word after curse word in it and I felt just down right dirty. I'm not sure if dirty is the right word but I was like ashamed that I watched the movie. Granted, it was one of the worst movie I have ever seen with no plot line besides the fact that Nicholis Cage was a nasty coke whore who was trying to keep his addiction covered up while being a cop. Seriously, horrible movie. But the point is, I used to be able to watch whatever. Now, its like ever time someone drops the f bomb, I'm like, "Oh no they diiiidnt!". I mean, even watching "dark movies" gives me a bad feeling. I am a mommy and I dont really want my boy to be hearing curse words all the time. Therefore, I dont curse (much) and I dont really want to be watching films that are nasty.

I felt like such a loner tonight. John and I wanted to go hang out with friends tonight, with it being a Saturday night and all, and we called the two friends we have. One didnt answer and the other was busy. We ot to the point where we were just lookin through our phones and calling random people that we hadnt talked too in months to see if they wanted to hang out. We ended up taking Ry on his first stroller walk in the state hospital park. It was nice having some good family time, but John and I both felt lame. I think its just one of those things that since we are married and have a family, we need friends that have that family value type of mind frame. We dont really roll around with the people we used too anymore seeing how most of them are former or current druggies. We dont really want our son around bad influences and we dont need to be around them either. I guess trying to make your life better has its disadvantages too: fewer friends who respect good values. Oh well. You win some and you lose some, I guess.





Friday, August 17, 2012

Life is like toaster waffles

Some people say life is like a box of chocolates. I think life is like toaster waffles. You put in what you expect, you know? You pop in a toaster waffle and what pops out? A toaster waffle. Its not like you put a toaster waffle and out pops out a bunny. I guess what I am getting at is you get what you put out.
Recently, my life is been like a toaster waffle. I have signed up for school at Ivy Tech and I am expecting to get a degree out of it. In the past, we have gotten two evictions. Granted, we were putting our money into other things and not putting our money towards our living arrangments. What did we expect, for the tooth fairy to pay our water bill? Uh, no.

Things have been going well. With the help of my father, we have finally gotten the ball rolling on our future. John was not accepted into the National Guard. He was really disappointed, but I was secretly glad. I didnt want to think about my husband being away for six months at a time and possibly missing his first sons first Christmas or first birthday or our first wedding anniversary. An old friend of mine has a husband in the National guard and presented me the pros and cons of it, and as I read through her email, I just crossed my fingers that I wouldn't have to deal with the distance and barely being able to talk and all that jazz. She reassured me though that, yes, I would live and it wouldn't be as bad as I was thinking. But, alas, I now don't have to worry about it. John and I are both enrolled into college. In three months, John will be working at AMR as an EMT. He is so excited to be providing for the family and finally going to school. I am proud to say that he is really getting his act together and has been a great husband and father lately. I am a bit nervous about school. I have never taken online courses and I am afraid that it wont be for me and I will fail the classes. I have always been a hands on person and have learned with examples and books. With me being a new mother with a baby boy though, I feel like online courses is the way to go right now. So hopefully I will be able to really get into it and succeed.

As I said, like is like toaster waffles. You get out what you put in. I am putting it all in and I hope to get out two perfectly cooked waffles.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

update on my life - for those of you who care

I have not been able to post a blog lately. My life has drastically changed within the past week and I just haven't had the time to write it all out. Long story short and a lot of skipping over important details, but we have moved back to my home town, Evansville, and have moved in with my father for the time being. From going to secure place to stay to homeless, to staying in a camper, to moving in with my father, to having no life ambitions, to enrolling into college, our lives have really been flipped upside down and right back up in a matter of days.

My husband and I were living with his parents in a small town called Owensville. Needless to say, we were stuck. We had not moved forward with our lives and it was looking dim that we were actually going to do what we said we were saying, such as going to school or getting better jobs or what not. A lot happened for us to get to that point. My husband had a rude awakening. It was really difficult on me to see him in such a tough and low spot. Skipping over a few things and details: We ended up calling my father and asked if we could stay with him while we get back on our feet. His rules for us to stay were to do that exactly, get back on our feet; go to school, for John to get a job, for us to stop smoking, etc. Within the past few days, we have accomplished a lot. My husband has met with an Army National Guard recruiter. He is waiting to hear back to see if he was accepted. If so, within the next year, he will be going to a 6 month boot camp. (10 weeks for basic boot camp, and the rest for his field. He is planning on being a medic. More on my feelings about my husband getting shot at later. I have played too much COD...) We have both enrolled into college at Ivy Tech. John is majoring in medical to become an EMT. With the courses he is taking full time, he will be able to be a certified EMT by January with continuing to take courses. My major is CNA - Certified Nursing Assistant. WHOOP. Excitement. From going to nothing to something in just a matter of days is truly inspiring.

I am excited for our future. I think more nervous than anything. I agreed to "let" John join the National Guard thinking that he would only be gone for 10 weeks. Even that was too much for me. Now knowing that he will be gone for 6 months, I think I may go crazy. 6 months. He may miss Rylan's first Christmas, our first wedding anniversary, Rylan's first birthday... I just don't want him to miss such big things in his sons life. I dont want to be away from him for that long. Being away from him for 3 days a few days ago was just heartbreaking. My heart will feel broken if he leaves me. I don't want to raise our boy on my own for 6 months. I need him. But, I wont hold him back. He has always wanted to do this and I know the discipline will be good for him. I want him to be happy and I know that this will make him ecstatic to pursue his dream. He will finally be providing for our family and setting up a future for us and just the thought of that fills him with pure joy. Granted, I have a year from his sign on date to worry about him leaving for 6 months. I will have time to prepare myself. I really shouldn't be worrying about it right now. Its far enough off in the future that I can relax for a bit before thinking about such things.

Rylan is doing alright. He is getting adjusted to moving around so much. We stayed with Johns sister for a few days, then stayed in a camper, then moved in with my father. I think not having a real bed is affecting him because he is not sleeping through the night. He is so funny, though. Every time he is falling asleep, he fights it. Its like he is afraid he will miss something once he is asleep. So cute.

I haven't gotten much sleep lately. I have had a lot on my mind and have had a lot to do. Every time Rylan is asleep, I hope to get some rest myself, but there is always something that I need to do: laundry, getting settled in a bit, applying for classes, doing this, doing that. It is quite exhausting. I have not felt like I have been a great mother lately. I haven't been holding him as much, I have been leaving him with his grandpa a lot more (which I am sure my father loves), When I nurse him, I usually hold him for a good time afterwards but I have just been setting him down right afterwards. I feel like I need to be spending more time with him. I am and have been so stressed out about resent events that I feel like I have been a poor mother. I have been trying to ween off of nursing and move on to bottle feeding. Its more convient for the time being. My boobs have been killing me though. I think it may be a rough transition. I need o get John Rylan on a feeding schedule so he is not just nomming every five minutes, but I am not sure how to do that.

Life has been exciting, stressful, and overwhelming. I am confident things will continue to get better for me and my family. With a little hard work and dedication, add some stress and some love, things will be looking up soon. We are making a future for ourselves and for our boy. I am hopeful and thankful. So thankful.

For those of you who have read all of my jabbering, thank you for letting me spill my beans, or at least some of them. For those of you who have it rough right now, the sun will come out and things will get better. Promise.



Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Trust

What is a breaking pint? When do you say enough is enough? What gives you the strength 
and courage to do the right thing? How do you know what the right thing is?

Lately, these questions have been running through my mind non stop. I don't know what to do anymore in a certain situation and it just breaks my heart. I have felt so alone and depressed and not having any comfort is just agonizing. I am constantly getting my hopes up to just be torn back down again. I'll use the description I have used before: Its like someone telling you to jump off a bridge, saying that there are no rocks at the bottom. You trust them and jump and hit face first into the rocks. You climb back up to the top and the person says again, trust me, there are no rocks. You jump, trusting, hoping, and yet you hit the rocks again. When will there be no rocks? Do you trust them again? When do you learn not to trust and to step away?
As I have said before in a previous blog, it is hard for me to trust someone, but it is even harder for me to step away from someone that I do trust. Why? Because I have put so much faith in them and want to trust them so badly, that I hit the rocks multiple times.

The thing with life is that you make your own choices. You make choose when to jump and when to say stop. My main question is, when do you know when to stop? When do you know when to walk away and not trust? One of my favorite movies is Moulin Rouge. My brother and I would watch that movie non stop. My favorite song in it is Roxanne. Before the song starts a character gives a speech about love and trust. A quote he says is, "Without trust, there is no love." I have always thought that to be wrong. I have always thought that love can conquer all things, that it trumps over it all no matter what. Have I been proven wrong?

All I want is for Rylan to have a good life. I want him to learn to love and to be loved in return. I want to show him all the wonderful things life can give you. I want him to be able to trust people. How am I supposed to teach him to trust when I myself can not? Its like I am afraid to stray too far from the sidewalk because I don't trust the cars in the road. I am now too afraid to have an adventure because I can not trust where it will take me. I think that saying should be, "Without trust, you have no life." - you will become the old cat lady. I now know why "the old cat lady" has so many cats. She cant trust people, so she puts her faith in something that she knows will never leave her or forsake her. Maybe I should learn to like cats.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Not Much

Today has just been a roller coaster of emotions. Happy, sad, lonely, confused, angry, you name it. Its like someone was just toying with my feelings and couldn't decide which one to stick with.
I can't really go into detail, but my stress and worry really just overtook me this morning. I broke down for a split second at church and quickly covered it back up. Thankfully, my amazing sister in law just gave me the shoulder I needed to lean on and vent to for a bit about life. Words can not describe how thankful I am for her. It felt good to get some things off my chest.

As a mom, I feel like a goob. Every second of every day I want to hold Rylan and love on him and see him smile. Sometimes though, its like I want to hold him and then as soon as I get him I am like "Oh gosh, I need a break." I think everything is just getting to me lately, but my boy is keeping me strong.
This Wednesday he will be a month old. Time really does fly. I have a special day planned for just me and him. I can't wait. I am going to bake him a cake and make him a little birthday crown. Together, we are going to make a home made hand print stepping stone for our garden once we get a house. I am planning on making one at his 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, and every year after just to see how he has grown. It will be a good keep sake thing.
Part of me never wants him to grow up and wants him to be little and cuddly forever and the other part of me just can not wait for him to get older so we can do things together and he can tell me he loves me. I long to hear those words from him. The first time he tells me he loves me, I think I will bawl my eyes out. Tears of joy, of course. Every mom wants to know that they are loved.

I haven't gotten much sleep lately. I have just been a giant ball of stress. Tonight, John said he would take over, so I am hoping everything will go alright and I can get a few hours of sleep.

I don't have much to write about today. No witty comments or drama to report.
Just an update - I am okay. Rylan is beautiful. I've got my boy and that's all that matters.



Saturday, August 4, 2012

"Personal Issues" - My Private Life

I really wish that I could talk about what has really been bothering me and stressing me out lately, but that would be digging into my "personal life" and I don't think that is too appropriate to put all over the web.
I could use rhetoric all day and pretend like no one knows who I am talking about when it is painfully obvious. I could just come right out and talk about it, but none of you are therapists and would really just get that sick addiction of wanting to know "what happens next." Oh, trust me, I've been that way before too. It's alright to admit it. I mean, what is juicier then hearing about other peoples issues? You can, for a slight moment, forget about yours and pretend to be Dr. Phil while they pour your heart out to you. Then you can give them horrible advice or just go with the unoriginal, "It's all going to be okay." because you got yourself a bit deeper into their business than you really wanted to be and didn't see that big spin coming.
But alas, life is life. I think I have gotten used to holding in what I am feeling, at least I would like to think I have. I am not saying that this is a good thing. I personally think its the worst thing that could be right now. I would love to just pour my heart out and cry and talk about my problems, but when I muster up the courage to talk about it, either one of two things happen- One: I chose the wrong person to talk about it too and they flip out and it helps with nothing or Two: I can't decide who to talk to about it because of number one. Its like, who do I go too?

FYI- I am about to go on a religion rant momentarily so I don't mean to insult anyone who is none religious. Just a fair warning.

I pray and I pray and I pray for things to get better. I pray for the person who is bothering me and the situation, I pray for myself for patience and for peace and to know what words to say and when to say them, I pray that I will be able to keep my mouth shut when I really need to say nothing at all. But the more I pray, its like the worse it gets. Biblically, Job got his family killed and farm taken away and got leprosy and all this crap happened to him and he still praised the Lord. For his "reward" in obeying God, he got a new family and a better farm and yada yada yada. But honestly, if the Lord took away my son and my husband, I would be resentful. Its like yeah, you gave me a new family with more children but my love is dead and so are my previous kids. Did Job just forget about them? I can't say that I couldn't just sit there and say, "Okay, God, you know what you are doing. Keep up the good work." but I know it would be the hardest thing in my life to do if I had the strength to do it. And now I sit here and I have found myself not praying as much because I keep thinking, "What help is it going to do?" and when I pray for said person, its like pulling teeth. I can't find the words to say, though I know I want to say them. When I try to pray anything anymore, I just get distracted. I feel so disconnected with God and with everything else. Its like the only thing I have to really cling onto is my son.

END TO SLIGHT RANT  (For those of you who just wanted to skip over that part.)

I am just at a loss, really.
I smoked a cigarette today. When I came inside, Rylan was crying and I brushed my teeth and washed my hands and arms and face and changed shirts and I just thought, "WHY?!" I mean, I have got to be so stupid to start that up again and I know I don't want my son to smell that on me and become familiar with me smelling like a day old ashtray. I don't want to take ten minutes washing up before I hold my son. Then, in the back of my mind I think, "Well, John smokes and he smells that way and at first Rylan didn't like it but he seems used to it now." - How stupid of an excuse is that. I mean, geez, one parent already smokes, we don't need two dying off early. Ugh, I am just so frustrated with everything right now. It doesn't help that I feel depressed. When I leave Rylan, I want him back immediately. When I have him, I feel like I just need some time to rest. I cry and I cry and I cry. I eat because I am upset and am gaining weight and that makes me feel like such a loser. My goal is to lose weight, not gain it. I keep thinking what a friend of mine told me, "Rylan will remember all the wonderful things you do for him, not what you look like doing them." But I feel like I can't go out and do these special things when he gets old enough to because I won't feel good about myself. I have never had such a low self esteem in my life as I do now. And yes, I know it will get better. I am just impatient I suppose.

Oh, life sure throws you a curve ball here and there. Sometimes, I feel like I miss hitting it and it hits my square in the eye. Poop.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Money: Food for thought

Being a wife and a mother is a lot more difficult than you imagine as a child.
I mean, being young, you think of all the wonderful things that you can be when you grow up and how you will give your child "every opportunity" with the lump sum of money you magically acquired and somehow time and a career just don't fit into your thought concept. I remember growing up thinking that I would live in a big house with a husband that goes to work in a suit everyday and 3+ children and I would be a stay at home mom with a pet dog as a best friend. But growing up, you don't see that there are electric bills and water bills and house payments and then the basic cost of living like buying food. Then there are doctor bills and vet bills and all the random things you just don't think of as a kid. Not to mention schooling and soccer teams and all that jazz. I mean, what kid thinks, "Oh, I understand why mommy and daddy have no money for me to go out and do the things I want to do. That's okay though, because they are keeping a roof over my head and giving me food."
I guess I am stuck on a "I have no money and I feel like a sucky parent because of it" stage. When I walk into stores I think, "Wow, I wish I could buy that for Rylan, but we really need diapers instead." Then when I get to the diaper section, I can't buy the huggies or the luvs, I have to buy the store brand, which isn't a bad thing! It just makes you feel like you cant give your child "the best" sometimes.
As a kid, I never really thought of why we didn't get fruit snacks or the name brand cereal, I just thought we just didn't get them. When I got older I knew it was because we didn't have the money for it and I thought my parents were so ignorant for not going out and getting better paying jobs so I could get what I wanted. I saw all my friends getting to go to build a bear or out shopping for a new bathing suit, why can'y my mom give me money so I can be "cool" too? Selfish, yes, I know. But what kid, at one point in their life, doesn't think, "I want that." and when they can't get it do they say, "Oh, thats fine. I know that we need that money for the water bill so I can shower and not smell like a monkey." No! They throw a hissy fit and stomp their feet and pout and make a scene because they couldn't get what they wanted. Looking back, I am thankful for not being able to get the things I wanted just handed to me. It taught me that if I really wanted something, I would have to work for it. Did I like that concept then? Ha, you're funny. But, it taught me a valuable lesson in life.
I guess the point of this is when is it spoiling your children? Is spoiling them and giving them what their hearts desire necessarily a bad thing? I mean, if you could give your child "every opportunity", wouldn't you want too? I see "every opportunity" as credit cards and debt right now. We have no money for traveling soccer teams or piano lessons or whatever Rylan decides to do and unless something drastically changes within the years to come, we won't have that money to give him what he wants. But is that such a bad thing? Food for thought I suppose.


Thursday, August 2, 2012

Untitled: because I cant think of something good

Today has been a long time. It seems like it has been two.
Last night, John was planning on doing the overnight but at about 1 a.m. he comes into the bedroom and says he just can't do it that night, that he was too tired and the baby was stressing him out. So, I stayed up with the little man last night and tried to get some sleep.
Yesterday we got some gift cards for Target so my plan today was to go into town with Rylan and go shopping. We stopped by my sister's best friends house and visited with her and her fiance for awhile, then went to starbucks to meet up with Aunt Kim, went to target, then came home. It sounds stress free, right? Wrong.
I fed Ry right before we left and as soon as we got to Libby's he was hungry again. Now, I had only packed one bottle seeing how I figured he would eat half way through the trip since he had just eaten but instead he ate as soon as the trip started. So we visited there for awhile and we got a ton of new hand me down clothing, which was awesome, and then we packed up to go to our next destination.
We met my best friend, Kim, at starbucks and we stayed there for about 10 minutes, until Rylan started to get a bit fussy so I decided a little car ride over to Target would possibly calm him down.
We went to Target and for the first 5 or 10 minutes, little man was sleeping. But then something just tore at the poor guys heart strings and he was up and crying. I carried him around while we looked at baby things and picked out stuff here and there. He was good with Aunt Kim while I was looking around in the clothing section because I wanted to buy myself something I could actually fit in. (More on that soon.) Then, once again, he started wailing at the top of his lungs. I changed his diaper, tried to burp him, held him, and nothing was working so I came to the conclusion that he was hungry. All this time, poor Kim was pushing the cart and helping me get the items checked out and putting things in the van. (She is an awesome best friend, let me tell you.) I really couldn't have done today without Kim. Even with her there helping me, I was stressing out. But anyways, I ended up feeding Rylan in my brother's drive way about 3 minutes away from Target.
When I got home, I was exhausted. I still am. I over did myself and I think I stressed Rylan out by doing too much in one day, so he is not a happy camper. I need to remind myself just one thing at a time.

I have been contemplating about writing how I have been feeling lately. I have been too ashamed to admit that I am depressed. I feel like I should be happy and overjoyed, but right now, I just feel like crying all the time and I am tired and I miss my husband because we never get to spend time or hardly see each other anymore and ugh. I love my boy to death, I really do. He has been perfect and awesome and has done nothing wrong at all. I am just feeling the stress, I guess. John doesn't really understand. When I cry, he gets frustrated because I am crying and doesn't know how to fix it and he doesn't know how to be supportive in the situation so I just feel so alone. On top of that, I can't fit into any of my clothes besides stretchy shorts, sweat pants, or yoga pants. All of my shirts are bursting at the seams because my boobs are too big. I just feel ugly, and yes, I know I am not to those of you thinking you need to reassure me that I am pretty. When I was looking for clothes to fit me, none of the pants did. I am in between a size 6 and 8 so its either too small or too big. All of the clothes I have at home are either size 0-4 which I obviously can not fit in. I am feeling really insecure about my new curves. All my life I have felt insecure about my body and became anorexic to get myself skinny enough to where I felt alright. Now, I have all this extra stuff on me and I am just not used to it. Blah.

I am sorry for this being a depressing blog today.
The sun will come out tomorrow, I know that much.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The decommissioned cow

Lactose intolerance- also called lactase deficiency and hypolactasia, is the inability to digest lactose, a sugar found in milk and to a lesser extent milk-derived dairy products.

These two words may be haunting me. My sister gave me a little ring on the tele last night and told me she was lactose intolerant as a child and so was my cousin. My husband's brother and one of his children are lactose intolerant. Putting it all together, the reason why little Rylan boy could be vomitting and having stomach issues is because he may be allergic to milk. DUN DUN DUN. 

On a note relating to the above subject, it could be something totally different; like he just has bad acid reflex or has a gentle stomach or is really gassy. There are tons of possibilities of what it could be. I wish I had a magic 8 ball to where the answer would mystically appear and all would be well.

I went to Walmart yesterday and I was looking at all the different formula's they had and I was overwhelmed. They have formula for gassy babies, fussy babies, babies with colic, babies that need a thicker formula, ect. It's like geez, if your baby was the wrong color, you'd think they'd have a formula for that too! I can see the commercial now: "Did your baby turn blue? Never fear! Just fill his bottle up with BLUE FORMULA and he will be back to normal in no time!" and then the voice that speaks really fasts adds that its not the companies fault is the baby is blue because he just so happens to be choking, not because he mysteriously, all of the sudden, turned blue. Anyways, I ended up getting the formula for babies that spit up and I am planning on doing half breast milk and half formula. There is an issue with that though. To do the whole half and half thing, you have to use the pump. Oh, I could rant about how much I dislike the pump for hours. I feel like a cow using that thing with a stranger just sitting there pumping on my utters. It feels like a suction cup is attached to your boobs and you're trying desperately to keep your nipples from being ripped off. Nonetheless, I used it last night to make a bottle and afterwards I felt like a decommissioned cow. My utters went dry. For the rest of the night I felt like I had no milk. Ry was getting fussy because he wasn't getting enough to eat, I was getting frustrated because I couldn't make milk, and then I started to cry. It is one of the worst emotions feeling like you can't take care of your child's needs. So Rylan was crying, I was crying, and it was just one big ocean of unhappy tears.

John took the night shift last night so I could sleep off the stress and be rested for today. That was really sweet of him because I know that he is secretly scared out of his mind to be alone with the baby for long periods of time. Men have this weird paranoia that the baby's head is going to fall off. Since when, in the history of time, has a child's head suddenly fallen off when you pick it up? I feel like I need to reassure my husband that if his head does pop off, the doctors can just glue it back on with super glue.