Monday, September 24, 2012

Hiding in a hole

So, recently, my past has come back to haunt me on a daily basis. Granted, its my fault and the past wont haunt you if you clear it up, right? Well, I've cleared it up with everyone that I know and now my plan is to hide in a hole. Hiding in a hole consists of concentrating on my school work and taking care of my son.

I'm not sure what else to say. I just feel really down on myself. I have an inmate pen pal who I write to and I feel like we can talk to each other about everything openly and honestly because we have a lot of things in common. I can honestly say that I have never been able to be as honest as I am with her because I know that she wont judge me for my past. I mean, she is locked up for life. Anything I say, she can relate too.

I guess this is a time in my life where I need to reevaluate things and think long and hard about my goals in life and what I need to do to make myself a better person and fix things I have broken. This is not easy for me. I have never been a confrontational person. If there is a problem, I cover it up or lie. I'm not sure where that came from. Growing up, I had a lot of secrets. I guess to cover up my secrets, I lied. Not "good" cover up lies either. Lies that really didn't make sense. Lies to make people feel for me because it seemed like no one cared about my pain. It was my escape.

I never want that to be an example for my son. I want him to always be honest with me. By making things right, I feel like I am starting off by setting a good example though I hope that he never finds out about how "ugly" I was in my past.
As for now, I plan on hiding in my hole and staying off the internet for awhile. I am just going to focus on my studies and my small family. Maybe then, I will finally be able to start over and actually live my life without fear of secrets being found out and not having to lie to cover up lies from years ago.

Here we go.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Rant #2 - Feeling stuck

I am having a very hard time keeping my sanity. John has been working and going to school. He leaves the house around 7 am and is not home until about 10 pm. This leaves me with the full time job of taking care of John Rylan. Now, its not like I was not expecting this to be a walk in the park, but I am more emotionally and mentally drained than I have ever been. Some nights, Rylan sleeps thoroughly. Other nights, he is up every two hours. Since John has been working, I have been watching Rylan during the night and all day and then at night and then all day... the process just repeats itself. Every time I lay him down for a nap, I myself would love to sleep, but I have school to catch up on. Now, since we are so short on money, I will have to find a part time job. So a part time job, a full time mother, and a part time student = two full time jobs. I'm just not sure how, mentally, I am going to cope with it. I feel like I have never been the best at multitasking.

I am sitting here complaining and some of you are probably thinking, "Well, that's what you get for having a kid." or something along those lines. Quite frankly, that doesn't help. You should keep your opinion on whether or not I should or shouldn't have had a child to yourself. And when I moan and gripe, that does not mean that I regret one single thing about having my child because I wouldn't change a thing. I am just stressed out to the max and feel like complaining for a bit. And after I complain, I will go back to the real world and continue my job as a mother and a student. Yes, I know it doesn't sound hard. And yes, I know that "I put myself in this situation" but once again, I don't need negativity. What I do need is more than two stinking hours of sleep, a date night with my husband, and a cocktail. Will I get that? No. Am I okay with this? Yes. Why? Because I have to be. Because that is my job as a mother, to put my child's needs above mine. And that's what I am doing. I don't go out. I am trapped in my house 6/7 days a week. And for the moms out there who say "I don't see why you are complaining. I would love to be at home 24/7 with my baby." CLARIFICATION: I am not complaining about my child or being home with my child. If I could go out and spend a day with Rylan, I gladly would. But do I have a car? No. Can I get out of the house? No. Because my husband is gone all day and he has the one vehicle we have which is a stick shift which I am not comfortable driving esp with a 2 month old baby present. On top of that, try spending day after day after day feeling trapped inside your own home. It plays on your mind and gets really depressing after awhile. So, do not judge before you know all the facts.

I am done ranting, I believe.
In other news, Rylan has his 2 month old check up the other day.
I cried more than he did when he got his shots. He was a little trooper.
He weighs 14 lbs 12 oz and is 27 inches long. BIG BOY!
I am so proud of him. He is getting so big and has been such an amazing blessing in my life.
I cherish every moment I have with him. He is my life line.
John is doing great. I am so proud of him. He is working 8 hour days and taking 12.5 credit hours at school. Though we don't get to see each other much right now, I am very proud to call him my adoring husband.
My financial aid has yet to come through. Don't get my started on that.
School is school. I feel like I have not picked the right profession, but I think I will save that for another blog another time.

As for now, I leave you with this:
Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world. – Harriet Tubman


Thursday, September 13, 2012

Pancake Lady. Period. - One not for the conservatives eyes

I told my husband that I had started bleeding from my vag for the first time in a year. He told me, "Never trust anything that bleeds 5 days out of the month and doesn't die." Sweet, right? Men. They don't understand the pains of being a woman. I mean, when I'm on my period and I try to poop, a blood clot the size of Texas pops out and I'm all like, "Whoa there Lassy!" What man can really say he truly understands that? Sure, sometimes they have small rocks pass through their penis, but try child birth, man. That's like pushing a watermelon through your pee hole!

Like I've stated, I haven't had a period in a year. I don't know how this is going to effect me. I told my husband to forgive me in advance for the next five to seven days. I could cry at any second, yell for no reason, and not see any of it coming. Usually, I am pretty good at hiding my emotions. Recently, I have lost that control and have moved onto the mood swings. I feel like I am on a see-saw in a child's playground. Up and down and up and down. One second I am fine and dandy and craving some chocolate and the next, you tell me all the chocolate in the world has mysteriously disappeared and I could either punch a hole in the wall or start crying uncontrollably.

I remember in middle school, my health teacher showed the girls health class "the pancake movie." It was a movie to describe to young women how periods work. Or maybe a movie about sex. I don't remember. What I remember is the mom in this movie was explaining to her child that she had a vagina and to show her what a vag looked like, she made a pancake... that looked like a vagina with the tubes and all that jazz. What mom does that?! I mean, just sit the kid down and show her a picture book or something. But a pancake?! I tried making a pancake once in a shape of a heart and it just turned out to be a big blob of nothing. That mom must have had some mad pancake making talents because I don't know any person that can sit there and make vagina pancakes as intricate as she did. Darn you, pancake lady. Your vagina pancake is been etch a sketched into my mind for the rest of my life.









Monday, September 10, 2012

Mom Rants

Oh, life, how you can be cruel. Like the waves of the ocean, you toss and turn and yet at times you are at peace. Personally, I like the peaceful times better. Lately, I feel like I have been stuck in the middle of a hurricane and I am just waiting for the calm. Now, I am not depressed or anything like that, I am just finding that life is no cake walk. When I was younger, I always thought things would be so easy. I wanted to grow up and be a mommy and live in a big house and be able to get my nails done every once in awhile. Now, that I am a grown up, I am a mommy living with my father, I have .74 cents in my bank account, and have debt up the wazzoo, along with two house evictions at the age of 20. My fairy tale is not going as planned.

Being a mom is a lot more challenging than the good moms make it seem. Do not get my wrong, I do not regret my boy for anything. He is my life preserver in the heat of the storm. Rylan has recently started being able to copy me. I'll make a face, and he will try to do the same thing. He is starting to understand. When he fusses and cries, I speak to him calmly and try to help him understand that if he is patient, his bottle will be here in no time. It really makes me think, though, how often I am impacting his life. For example, I like to watch Law and Order and I have noticed that Ry is starting to watch TV. Is Law and Order a show I should be watching with my almost 2 month old son? Probably not. I don't really have any baby shows or DVDs though and there is nothing ever morally good on TV. Does that mean that I should stop watching movies and TV? I'm not sure. Is he old enough to catch on that someone just got killed on NCIS? I'm, once again, not sure. Will these things effect him as he grows up? Will he be more angry because when he was 2 months old he was watching angry TV shows? I have no clue. I feel like these things should come naturally to mothers. Like, moms know they have to give a lot up for their children so it should be easy as pie to stop watching a certain show or to clean up your language or to stop smoking. It is no walk in the park though. I feel like I am struggling on a day to day basis on giving things up for my son. Is that normal? For example, we have a pool and a work out place at our apartment complex, but I can not use it because I would have to find a babysitter to watch Rylan. I ask my dad on a daily basis to watch him for at least 20 minutes at night while John and I go on a walk or go to the gas station down the road just to get out of the house a little bit. That is even difficult to ask because I feel bad just leaving Ry and for asking my dad to stop what he is doing so that he can watch my child. Bad mom alert! Its like, "Okay, bye son. I need a break so I am leaving you with your grandpa for a bit." I mean, how cruel? That's not nice.

I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed with school. I have been trying to play catch up since all last week I was out of my classes. As soon as I was caught up, I now have this weeks school work to start on. Its like there is not enough time in the day to do everything.

On a brighter note, since this has been a bit of a ranting blog on the negative side, Rylan will be two months old on Tuesday. Ah, how time flies! He is already 13 pounds and growing everyday. He seems like such a smart boy. He is starting to mimic people and smile more and sleeping soundly through most of the night. I am so proud to be his mommy.


Thursday, September 6, 2012

Back up plan


Well, today is the day. I have gathered all the information Ivy Tech told me I needed, but its not exactly what they have asked for. They have asked for my tax transcripts, a copy of my social security card, and a form they gave me to fill out. I filled out the form so that is a plus. I didn't do my taxes for 2011, so the IRS gave me a paper stating that I had yet to fill them out. I went online last night and did them, but I wont have the transcripts for another two weeks. I can't find my social security card, so I went to the Social Security Office and got a paper copy type thing. Hopefully, Ivy Tech will accept what I have until I can get my new social security card and my tax transcripts in the mail which will take up to 2 weeks. If they don't, I have a back up plan.

Back up plan: If Ivy Tech wont reenroll me in my classes, I will work until the spring semester to bring in some extra money. Lord knows we need it. It is not what I really want to do, but the good thing about that is I will be taking the same classes in the spring so I will be able to study the books that I already have over the fall and have a head start on the classes when I retake them. Granted, its not what I really want. I want to go to school now so that I can start making my future even better and not be stuck at some dead end job. But, I will have to learn patience if this doesn't go through at Ivy Tech today. Patience is something I need to work on. I just want the best for my son and I know that I am not doing my best if I am not in school or at a high paying job. I know that I can do better than fast food restaurants or telemarketing. I don't want my son to look at me and think I am a failure for not attending college or think it is okay to just get a GED in high school and work in a food chain for the rest of his life. I just want to set a good example.

Anyways, either way, I will be going to college and I will be getting a degree (eventually) and everything will work out. Fingers crossed. I am being optimistic.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

a religious blog - bad week

The last few days have been rough. I keep thinking about a woman from our church. Her van broke down and financial aid hadn't gone through and everything just kept piling up one after another. She said that the day her van broke down, she just stepped back and thanked God for the van working for so long and started thanking God for everything else positive in her life. So, over the past few days, I have bee trying to do the same. Something negative happens, I thank God for letting it happen because I know the man upstairs  knows what He is doing. Today was rough. Nothing was going right and it is the third or fourth day in a row that could be considered a "bad day". I laid in bed crying just thinking "Why? Why can something not go right for just one day?" I tried thanking God and asking Him for help. Where am I at now? The same place I was four hours ago. I feel discouraged and feel like everything is just falling apart. I keep feeling overwhelmed and the more I try to stay calm and find peace, the more poo rains down. I'm not sure where I am at. I know my goals and how to get there, but it just feel like one obstical after another keeps getting in the way. Its just day after day after day of arguing or financial aid not going through or bad moods or whatever the situation may be. What's going to happen tomorrow? How am I going to deal with it? How can I deal with it when its like I am supposed to keep everything hidden away and can't talk about it? I just feel like I am doing something wrong and I can't figure out what it is. I keep praying that one thing will go right. Just one to give me a little confidence boost so I can make it through the rest of the week.
Is prayer enough though? I mean, God isn't some magical wizard that waves his wand around granting good days and bad days. I know everything happens for a reason and I keep trying to stay positive but after so many "bad" things, its hard to think of "good" things.

Where am I going with this? I guess, I am trying to put my faith in God. I am trying to be a better wife. I am trying to work on my future and keeping my word and being honest. I am trying to be positive. I am trying and trying and yet I feel like I am failing at all of the above. Everyone has their bad days, right? I guess I am just having a bad week.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

The Guitar

I fell in love with my husband when he was playing guitar. We were sitting on the couch at our apartment (at the time we wern't even dating) and I was just staring at him. Our other room mate, Miles, asked me what I was doing and I replied, "falling in love." John's voice was simply angelic and his skills at playing guitar just amazed me. Sometimes, we would just sit out on the porch and sing together. Most of the time I would just listen to him for hours. Songs he sang are engraved in my memory. Those were the times I cherish most from those days. He was simply an angel to me. Once we got to know each other, we just fell in love. We would literally go on six hour long walks around our neighborhood and just talked about anything and everything. We would look at house after house and pretend it was our own or how we would fix it up if we bought it. We would lay in the middle of the road and just look up at the stars and hold hands. I miss those times. Now, when I hear him play guitar, it makes me sad. Some songs he plays just make me bawl like a baby. I'm not sure why. Maybe its because when I remember those times, in all the good fun we had, we were both struggling with our past and with our own demons. Maybe its because most of the songs he sings are morbidly depressing, but I don't think that is it. When he sings, when he plays, it just brings back memories. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those times where we could just walk and talk for hours. Sometimes I wish we could just have a time machine and just pause the in the moment when he first told me he loved me. Back then, we barely had any responsibility. We just lived life, did what we want when we wanted, and had fun. When I hear those songs, when I hear him sing, it brings back those memories and though they were great memories, they make me sad. I don't want to be sad when I hear him play because him playing was what made me fall for him. (Well, one of the things)

Don't get me wrong, I love my son and I love that I have responsibility and that I am improving my life. Times were just simpler then. Granted, the person I was then was not the person I wanted to be. I was into drugs and just the "hippie" stage, I guess. Love and peace and no responsibility and opening your mind to newer and grander things. I miss that. But, I just wrote a blog about this. I wrote how life changes and you can either embrace the change or live in the past. If I chose to live in the past, I would be a horrible mom. I wouldn't be going to school and I would just be a leach, living off whoever I could to get what I wanted while in the process leaving my son to be taken care of by someone else. I would be me taking care of him when it was convenient it for me, when I had time to stop my peace and no responsibility life style.
I guess that's what John playing guitar reminds me of. It reminds me of all the good times that aren't coming back, that can't come back because now is now and now I am a mom.

Sometimes when I hear him sing, I smile. I miss his voice. But I also know the reason why he sings. He sings when he is upset or sad or something is on his mind. It is his escape. That's how he writes music. And knowing that he is locking himself up for a few hours to be alone and there's nothing I can do to help or "make it all better" kills me. I just want to be that happy thought that pulls him through. I feel like I haven't been able to do that lately. I feel like though I am being a good mom, I am not being a good wife because no matter how hard I try, I haven't seen him really and truly smile and be simply happy in a long, long time. He reassures me that it isn't me and its not my fault, but I still feel like a steaming pile of poo. I am so proud of my husband for trying to improve his life and do what is best for himself and for his family. I just feel like no matter how many times I say "I love you" or "its going to be okay", its just not enough because I can't fix the problem and I don't have the wisdom to give him the right advice.

I'm not sure how to end this. I just want to be happy and make my husband happy. I am striving for happiness. That is my goal.


Saturday, September 1, 2012

Life in general

Today has been a long day. We drove to New Harmony to meet with an old friend for a little while, went to Kadriene's and Miles' going away dinner, went to the mall, and then went to their hotel to go swimming for a bit. Needless to say, it was eventful. We look little Rylan along and I think it was just a bit much for him.

John and I have realized for awhile that we have little to no friends. We have our main group which consists of his best friend and my best friend. Then we have the few friends that we see every once in awhile. But what I realized even more tonight is that we need friends who have a family lifestyle. Example: When we went to the hotel tonight, we sat outside a bit while the baby was upstairs with Miles' mom. That was nice just to spend some time hanging out and talking with friends. But when we got back up to the room, there was loud rap music playing with curse words every other word and beer and Rylan was there. It just felt so uncomfortable at that point. Its like, I don't want my son listening to this or being around a party like scene. Granted, he will never remember it because he is just a baby, but its the principle of it. I am not going to be one of those mothers who takes her child bar hoping or to parties or whatever. If I want a night out or a night to hang out with friends or whatever, I will either find a baby sitter or do it another night. Tonight was just a reinforcement of that. My son needs positive influences and I know that. I guess what I am getting at is that we just need married couple friends. We need friends that have a positive attitude that respect that there is a baby around, you know? Now, I am not dissing on our friends at all. If anything, I am dissing on myself for putting my child in certain situations. I don't mind loud rap music or curse words but around my child, I do. I don't want my son to be growing up know what the word "fuck" means.

Once again, I am rambling.
An update on life: John Rylan McCleary Douglas is almost two months old. (August 11th will be the 2 month date) He weighs 13 pounds 12 ounces. What a big boy! He has been having some pooping problems again. We are giving him dilated prune juice to help him out. At first, we gave him too much because had only pooped 5 times in 3 days so I was like pouring it down his throat. (Figure of speech) His poor little butt got so red! Now, he is back to not pooping regularly so I just need to find a happy medium.
School is overwhelming. It's harder than I thought. Even going part time, its hard to be a full time mom. But, once again, I am trying to find the happy medium.
Recently, I have been so thankful for my father. He has been such a blessing to my husband and I and has been an awesome grandpa. In the past, I haven't really been able to be open and honest with anyone, esp my father. But I have been working on that a lot and it feels nice to just be able to talk to my dad sometimes.
Ups and downs have been happening lately, but I suppose that is a part of life. Thankfully, there have been ups than downs, but the downs seem pretty low. I am just trying to stay optimistic and keep my chin up.

Anyways, not much has changed. Not much is happening. I am working towards making my marriage stronger and being the best mom I can be. I am working on both diligently and hoping for the best in mine and my families life. I am thankful for the friends that we do have and I am thankful for the family support that we have gotten. All in all, I am thankful and I am ready for the good things to come.