The Guitar

I fell in love with my husband when he was playing guitar. We were sitting on the couch at our apartment (at the time we wern't even dating) and I was just staring at him. Our other room mate, Miles, asked me what I was doing and I replied, "falling in love." John's voice was simply angelic and his skills at playing guitar just amazed me. Sometimes, we would just sit out on the porch and sing together. Most of the time I would just listen to him for hours. Songs he sang are engraved in my memory. Those were the times I cherish most from those days. He was simply an angel to me. Once we got to know each other, we just fell in love. We would literally go on six hour long walks around our neighborhood and just talked about anything and everything. We would look at house after house and pretend it was our own or how we would fix it up if we bought it. We would lay in the middle of the road and just look up at the stars and hold hands. I miss those times. Now, when I hear him play guitar, it makes me sad. Some songs he plays just make me bawl like a baby. I'm not sure why. Maybe its because when I remember those times, in all the good fun we had, we were both struggling with our past and with our own demons. Maybe its because most of the songs he sings are morbidly depressing, but I don't think that is it. When he sings, when he plays, it just brings back memories. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those times where we could just walk and talk for hours. Sometimes I wish we could just have a time machine and just pause the in the moment when he first told me he loved me. Back then, we barely had any responsibility. We just lived life, did what we want when we wanted, and had fun. When I hear those songs, when I hear him sing, it brings back those memories and though they were great memories, they make me sad. I don't want to be sad when I hear him play because him playing was what made me fall for him. (Well, one of the things)

Don't get me wrong, I love my son and I love that I have responsibility and that I am improving my life. Times were just simpler then. Granted, the person I was then was not the person I wanted to be. I was into drugs and just the "hippie" stage, I guess. Love and peace and no responsibility and opening your mind to newer and grander things. I miss that. But, I just wrote a blog about this. I wrote how life changes and you can either embrace the change or live in the past. If I chose to live in the past, I would be a horrible mom. I wouldn't be going to school and I would just be a leach, living off whoever I could to get what I wanted while in the process leaving my son to be taken care of by someone else. I would be me taking care of him when it was convenient it for me, when I had time to stop my peace and no responsibility life style.
I guess that's what John playing guitar reminds me of. It reminds me of all the good times that aren't coming back, that can't come back because now is now and now I am a mom.

Sometimes when I hear him sing, I smile. I miss his voice. But I also know the reason why he sings. He sings when he is upset or sad or something is on his mind. It is his escape. That's how he writes music. And knowing that he is locking himself up for a few hours to be alone and there's nothing I can do to help or "make it all better" kills me. I just want to be that happy thought that pulls him through. I feel like I haven't been able to do that lately. I feel like though I am being a good mom, I am not being a good wife because no matter how hard I try, I haven't seen him really and truly smile and be simply happy in a long, long time. He reassures me that it isn't me and its not my fault, but I still feel like a steaming pile of poo. I am so proud of my husband for trying to improve his life and do what is best for himself and for his family. I just feel like no matter how many times I say "I love you" or "its going to be okay", its just not enough because I can't fix the problem and I don't have the wisdom to give him the right advice.

I'm not sure how to end this. I just want to be happy and make my husband happy. I am striving for happiness. That is my goal.