Mom Rants

Oh, life, how you can be cruel. Like the waves of the ocean, you toss and turn and yet at times you are at peace. Personally, I like the peaceful times better. Lately, I feel like I have been stuck in the middle of a hurricane and I am just waiting for the calm. Now, I am not depressed or anything like that, I am just finding that life is no cake walk. When I was younger, I always thought things would be so easy. I wanted to grow up and be a mommy and live in a big house and be able to get my nails done every once in awhile. Now, that I am a grown up, I am a mommy living with my father, I have .74 cents in my bank account, and have debt up the wazzoo, along with two house evictions at the age of 20. My fairy tale is not going as planned.

Being a mom is a lot more challenging than the good moms make it seem. Do not get my wrong, I do not regret my boy for anything. He is my life preserver in the heat of the storm. Rylan has recently started being able to copy me. I'll make a face, and he will try to do the same thing. He is starting to understand. When he fusses and cries, I speak to him calmly and try to help him understand that if he is patient, his bottle will be here in no time. It really makes me think, though, how often I am impacting his life. For example, I like to watch Law and Order and I have noticed that Ry is starting to watch TV. Is Law and Order a show I should be watching with my almost 2 month old son? Probably not. I don't really have any baby shows or DVDs though and there is nothing ever morally good on TV. Does that mean that I should stop watching movies and TV? I'm not sure. Is he old enough to catch on that someone just got killed on NCIS? I'm, once again, not sure. Will these things effect him as he grows up? Will he be more angry because when he was 2 months old he was watching angry TV shows? I have no clue. I feel like these things should come naturally to mothers. Like, moms know they have to give a lot up for their children so it should be easy as pie to stop watching a certain show or to clean up your language or to stop smoking. It is no walk in the park though. I feel like I am struggling on a day to day basis on giving things up for my son. Is that normal? For example, we have a pool and a work out place at our apartment complex, but I can not use it because I would have to find a babysitter to watch Rylan. I ask my dad on a daily basis to watch him for at least 20 minutes at night while John and I go on a walk or go to the gas station down the road just to get out of the house a little bit. That is even difficult to ask because I feel bad just leaving Ry and for asking my dad to stop what he is doing so that he can watch my child. Bad mom alert! Its like, "Okay, bye son. I need a break so I am leaving you with your grandpa for a bit." I mean, how cruel? That's not nice.

I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed with school. I have been trying to play catch up since all last week I was out of my classes. As soon as I was caught up, I now have this weeks school work to start on. Its like there is not enough time in the day to do everything.

On a brighter note, since this has been a bit of a ranting blog on the negative side, Rylan will be two months old on Tuesday. Ah, how time flies! He is already 13 pounds and growing everyday. He seems like such a smart boy. He is starting to mimic people and smile more and sleeping soundly through most of the night. I am so proud to be his mommy.