I really wish that I could talk about what has really been bothering me and stressing me out lately, but that would be digging into my "personal life" and I don't think that is too appropriate to put all over the web.
I could use rhetoric all day and pretend like no one knows who I am talking about when it is painfully obvious. I could just come right out and talk about it, but none of you are therapists and would really just get that sick addiction of wanting to know "what happens next." Oh, trust me, I've been that way before too. It's alright to admit it. I mean, what is juicier then hearing about other peoples issues? You can, for a slight moment, forget about yours and pretend to be Dr. Phil while they pour your heart out to you. Then you can give them horrible advice or just go with the unoriginal, "It's all going to be okay." because you got yourself a bit deeper into their business than you really wanted to be and didn't see that big spin coming.
But alas, life is life. I think I have gotten used to holding in what I am feeling, at least I would like to think I have. I am not saying that this is a good thing. I personally think its the worst thing that could be right now. I would love to just pour my heart out and cry and talk about my problems, but when I muster up the courage to talk about it, either one of two things happen- One: I chose the wrong person to talk about it too and they flip out and it helps with nothing or Two: I can't decide who to talk to about it because of number one. Its like, who do I go too?
FYI- I am about to go on a religion rant momentarily so I don't mean to insult anyone who is none religious. Just a fair warning.
I pray and I pray and I pray for things to get better. I pray for the person who is bothering me and the situation, I pray for myself for patience and for peace and to know what words to say and when to say them, I pray that I will be able to keep my mouth shut when I really need to say nothing at all. But the more I pray, its like the worse it gets. Biblically, Job got his family killed and farm taken away and got leprosy and all this crap happened to him and he still praised the Lord. For his "reward" in obeying God, he got a new family and a better farm and yada yada yada. But honestly, if the Lord took away my son and my husband, I would be resentful. Its like yeah, you gave me a new family with more children but my love is dead and so are my previous kids. Did Job just forget about them? I can't say that I couldn't just sit there and say, "Okay, God, you know what you are doing. Keep up the good work." but I know it would be the hardest thing in my life to do if I had the strength to do it. And now I sit here and I have found myself not praying as much because I keep thinking, "What help is it going to do?" and when I pray for said person, its like pulling teeth. I can't find the words to say, though I know I want to say them. When I try to pray anything anymore, I just get distracted. I feel so disconnected with God and with everything else. Its like the only thing I have to really cling onto is my son.
END TO SLIGHT RANT (For those of you who just wanted to skip over that part.)
I am just at a loss, really.
I smoked a cigarette today. When I came inside, Rylan was crying and I brushed my teeth and washed my hands and arms and face and changed shirts and I just thought, "WHY?!" I mean, I have got to be so stupid to start that up again and I know I don't want my son to smell that on me and become familiar with me smelling like a day old ashtray. I don't want to take ten minutes washing up before I hold my son. Then, in the back of my mind I think, "Well, John smokes and he smells that way and at first Rylan didn't like it but he seems used to it now." - How stupid of an excuse is that. I mean, geez, one parent already smokes, we don't need two dying off early. Ugh, I am just so frustrated with everything right now. It doesn't help that I feel depressed. When I leave Rylan, I want him back immediately. When I have him, I feel like I just need some time to rest. I cry and I cry and I cry. I eat because I am upset and am gaining weight and that makes me feel like such a loser. My goal is to lose weight, not gain it. I keep thinking what a friend of mine told me, "Rylan will remember all the wonderful things you do for him, not what you look like doing them." But I feel like I can't go out and do these special things when he gets old enough to because I won't feel good about myself. I have never had such a low self esteem in my life as I do now. And yes, I know it will get better. I am just impatient I suppose.
Oh, life sure throws you a curve ball here and there. Sometimes, I feel like I miss hitting it and it hits my square in the eye. Poop.
No comments:
Post a Comment