update on my life - for those of you who care

I have not been able to post a blog lately. My life has drastically changed within the past week and I just haven't had the time to write it all out. Long story short and a lot of skipping over important details, but we have moved back to my home town, Evansville, and have moved in with my father for the time being. From going to secure place to stay to homeless, to staying in a camper, to moving in with my father, to having no life ambitions, to enrolling into college, our lives have really been flipped upside down and right back up in a matter of days.

My husband and I were living with his parents in a small town called Owensville. Needless to say, we were stuck. We had not moved forward with our lives and it was looking dim that we were actually going to do what we said we were saying, such as going to school or getting better jobs or what not. A lot happened for us to get to that point. My husband had a rude awakening. It was really difficult on me to see him in such a tough and low spot. Skipping over a few things and details: We ended up calling my father and asked if we could stay with him while we get back on our feet. His rules for us to stay were to do that exactly, get back on our feet; go to school, for John to get a job, for us to stop smoking, etc. Within the past few days, we have accomplished a lot. My husband has met with an Army National Guard recruiter. He is waiting to hear back to see if he was accepted. If so, within the next year, he will be going to a 6 month boot camp. (10 weeks for basic boot camp, and the rest for his field. He is planning on being a medic. More on my feelings about my husband getting shot at later. I have played too much COD...) We have both enrolled into college at Ivy Tech. John is majoring in medical to become an EMT. With the courses he is taking full time, he will be able to be a certified EMT by January with continuing to take courses. My major is CNA - Certified Nursing Assistant. WHOOP. Excitement. From going to nothing to something in just a matter of days is truly inspiring.

I am excited for our future. I think more nervous than anything. I agreed to "let" John join the National Guard thinking that he would only be gone for 10 weeks. Even that was too much for me. Now knowing that he will be gone for 6 months, I think I may go crazy. 6 months. He may miss Rylan's first Christmas, our first wedding anniversary, Rylan's first birthday... I just don't want him to miss such big things in his sons life. I dont want to be away from him for that long. Being away from him for 3 days a few days ago was just heartbreaking. My heart will feel broken if he leaves me. I don't want to raise our boy on my own for 6 months. I need him. But, I wont hold him back. He has always wanted to do this and I know the discipline will be good for him. I want him to be happy and I know that this will make him ecstatic to pursue his dream. He will finally be providing for our family and setting up a future for us and just the thought of that fills him with pure joy. Granted, I have a year from his sign on date to worry about him leaving for 6 months. I will have time to prepare myself. I really shouldn't be worrying about it right now. Its far enough off in the future that I can relax for a bit before thinking about such things.

Rylan is doing alright. He is getting adjusted to moving around so much. We stayed with Johns sister for a few days, then stayed in a camper, then moved in with my father. I think not having a real bed is affecting him because he is not sleeping through the night. He is so funny, though. Every time he is falling asleep, he fights it. Its like he is afraid he will miss something once he is asleep. So cute.

I haven't gotten much sleep lately. I have had a lot on my mind and have had a lot to do. Every time Rylan is asleep, I hope to get some rest myself, but there is always something that I need to do: laundry, getting settled in a bit, applying for classes, doing this, doing that. It is quite exhausting. I have not felt like I have been a great mother lately. I haven't been holding him as much, I have been leaving him with his grandpa a lot more (which I am sure my father loves), When I nurse him, I usually hold him for a good time afterwards but I have just been setting him down right afterwards. I feel like I need to be spending more time with him. I am and have been so stressed out about resent events that I feel like I have been a poor mother. I have been trying to ween off of nursing and move on to bottle feeding. Its more convient for the time being. My boobs have been killing me though. I think it may be a rough transition. I need o get John Rylan on a feeding schedule so he is not just nomming every five minutes, but I am not sure how to do that.

Life has been exciting, stressful, and overwhelming. I am confident things will continue to get better for me and my family. With a little hard work and dedication, add some stress and some love, things will be looking up soon. We are making a future for ourselves and for our boy. I am hopeful and thankful. So thankful.

For those of you who have read all of my jabbering, thank you for letting me spill my beans, or at least some of them. For those of you who have it rough right now, the sun will come out and things will get better. Promise.