Untitled: because I cant think of something good

Today has been a long time. It seems like it has been two.
Last night, John was planning on doing the overnight but at about 1 a.m. he comes into the bedroom and says he just can't do it that night, that he was too tired and the baby was stressing him out. So, I stayed up with the little man last night and tried to get some sleep.
Yesterday we got some gift cards for Target so my plan today was to go into town with Rylan and go shopping. We stopped by my sister's best friends house and visited with her and her fiance for awhile, then went to starbucks to meet up with Aunt Kim, went to target, then came home. It sounds stress free, right? Wrong.
I fed Ry right before we left and as soon as we got to Libby's he was hungry again. Now, I had only packed one bottle seeing how I figured he would eat half way through the trip since he had just eaten but instead he ate as soon as the trip started. So we visited there for awhile and we got a ton of new hand me down clothing, which was awesome, and then we packed up to go to our next destination.
We met my best friend, Kim, at starbucks and we stayed there for about 10 minutes, until Rylan started to get a bit fussy so I decided a little car ride over to Target would possibly calm him down.
We went to Target and for the first 5 or 10 minutes, little man was sleeping. But then something just tore at the poor guys heart strings and he was up and crying. I carried him around while we looked at baby things and picked out stuff here and there. He was good with Aunt Kim while I was looking around in the clothing section because I wanted to buy myself something I could actually fit in. (More on that soon.) Then, once again, he started wailing at the top of his lungs. I changed his diaper, tried to burp him, held him, and nothing was working so I came to the conclusion that he was hungry. All this time, poor Kim was pushing the cart and helping me get the items checked out and putting things in the van. (She is an awesome best friend, let me tell you.) I really couldn't have done today without Kim. Even with her there helping me, I was stressing out. But anyways, I ended up feeding Rylan in my brother's drive way about 3 minutes away from Target.
When I got home, I was exhausted. I still am. I over did myself and I think I stressed Rylan out by doing too much in one day, so he is not a happy camper. I need to remind myself just one thing at a time.

I have been contemplating about writing how I have been feeling lately. I have been too ashamed to admit that I am depressed. I feel like I should be happy and overjoyed, but right now, I just feel like crying all the time and I am tired and I miss my husband because we never get to spend time or hardly see each other anymore and ugh. I love my boy to death, I really do. He has been perfect and awesome and has done nothing wrong at all. I am just feeling the stress, I guess. John doesn't really understand. When I cry, he gets frustrated because I am crying and doesn't know how to fix it and he doesn't know how to be supportive in the situation so I just feel so alone. On top of that, I can't fit into any of my clothes besides stretchy shorts, sweat pants, or yoga pants. All of my shirts are bursting at the seams because my boobs are too big. I just feel ugly, and yes, I know I am not to those of you thinking you need to reassure me that I am pretty. When I was looking for clothes to fit me, none of the pants did. I am in between a size 6 and 8 so its either too small or too big. All of the clothes I have at home are either size 0-4 which I obviously can not fit in. I am feeling really insecure about my new curves. All my life I have felt insecure about my body and became anorexic to get myself skinny enough to where I felt alright. Now, I have all this extra stuff on me and I am just not used to it. Blah.

I am sorry for this being a depressing blog today.
The sun will come out tomorrow, I know that much.