They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. What if life throws you bad lemons sometimes? Do you throw them back, or do you make icky lemonade? Another question is will you be strong enough to make the icky lemonade or just let them sit and rot and ruin you?
This is all rhetoric right now, hidden messages and codes, I suppose. But really, what do you do with the bad lemons? I have been thinking about this because I have been thrown some "bad lemons" so to speak here recently. I have been so blessed with my baby boy but every other part of my life seems to be going horribly wrong. Every time I turn my head its like something is being flushed down the drain and no matter how hard I try to recover it, its like my hand gets stuck in the toilet or my head gets dunked in for a swirly.
How do I make the bad lemons good? Is there a way too? I keep trying to be positive. I play the "positive polly" game about every hour just to keep my hopes up. "I am thankful for Rylan. I am thankful for the roof over my head. I am thankful for all the baby things given to us. I am thankful for..." etc etc. Then I am happy. But SHOCKER, something happens five minutes later that just makes my happy crash and burn.
I know I am stressed out. I know that me being stressed is bad for Rylan.
I am back on the, "No one take my baby from me!" thing. I am scared to death because of something someone said to me the other day. I am afraid to let most people hold them because I have a nightmare that whenever he is out of my arms and in someone else's they will run away with him and I wont be able to get him back. I can't sleep when he sleeps because I am afraid he is going to spit up and I wont hear it so he will end up choking or since he has learned to roll on his side if he will roll into his blanket the wrong way and not be able to breathe and I will be too busy sleeping to hear him suffocating. I am so paranoid, it stresses me out even more on top of the daily stress I have otherwise.
I feel like I am doing this alone. Night time feedings, John can't help because I am breastfeeding so I don't even bother waking him up for the middle of the night fun. Then during the day I am usually home alone with Rylan and when John gets home he just wants to relax from work so I still have Rylan. Then he goes to sleep and I still have Ry. Don't get me wrong, I love my son full heartedly and I am not complaining about getting to be with him 24/7, just a little help would be nice. But then it goes back to me not being able to give him up. I cant accept help if I cant let someone else take care of him for a few hours while I sleep. I wouldnt be able to sleep! I would be worrying my butt off.
So I guess the question is, how do I make lemonade right now from the lemons I have? Will it be sour or sweet? So far, its quite sour, but I am hoping some sugar will come into the mix soon.
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