Ever since I can remember I have struggled with my weight. I know that everyone has always considered me as "skinny" or has even referred to me as a "bean pole" but thats because I have been so self concious about my weight and I really watch it. Unfortunately, when I think I gain too much, I go on beignes of not eating. I guess I felt like since I was teased in school about my heigth and about my "carrot top" hair and my big foot feet and my skeleton looking toes, the only thing I could control was my weight.
Before I got pregnant I weighed 115 lbs and was 5 feet 11 inches tall. At the end of my pregnancy, I weighed 170 lbs. Now, almost two weeks after having Rylan, I weigh 145 lbs. Needless to say, I am struggling right now. I am so used to having that skinny body and weighing under 120 that it freaks me out having a butt and some curves. When I go into Walmart or the Dollar Store, I struggle not getting some weight loss diet supplaments or slim fast or whatever. I have to force myself to eat each day, reminding myself that I am breastfeeding and need to fill my body with nutrients for my son so that he can be healthy.
But then there is that voice in the back of my head saying, "You're going to get fat. You better not eat that."
It is just such a struggle. I feel like, once again, it is the only thing I can control and if it gets out of control, what will I do? Will everything else in my life get out of control too?
Today, Rylan is two weeks old. He is growing up so fast. He is getting to be a little chubby wubby if I say so myself. He is just the cutest thing that I could ask for. I didn't realize how long he is! John was holding him the other day and he looked like he was about to fall out of his arms because he was so long. He is going to be tall like his mama. I hope he is a mama's boy. I'm addicted to my baby boy.
The first thing I feel like I should say is that you look fine, even that won't do much for you. The second thing is I wholeheartedly understand your insecurities about your weight. I myself have many, many insecurities about my body. I swear my mind adds 50 pounds when I look at myself in the mirror. I used to be unable to even look at myself in the mirror and when I would accidentally catch a glimpse of myself I would feel physically sick to my stomach. I've also done the diet pills and starving and have to say it never works. My body would go into starvation mode and my metabolism always betrayed me. Staying healthy and eating right is probably the best way to stay in shape and be at the best for your son. And I can promise you that Rylan will remember all the wonderful things you will do for him and not what you looked like doing it.
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