My greatest fear

If anyone who was ever close to me asked me what my greatest fear was, I would tell them honestly: My greatest fear, still to this day, is being a bad mom.

I always told myself that I would never let my anger control me or get a hold of me with my children. If I got too mad to talk, I would step away from the situation for a bit for some time to think and calm down before I confronted them or disciplined them. I also promised the same for my husband, that if I was too angry to talk for fear that I might say something I don't mean, then I would step away and calm down before we talked about it. I can, unfortunately, say that I have failed horribly with my husband. I can not count how many times I have said things I do not mean or gone off the handle instead of stepping back and cooling off. Now I am afraid that since I have failed in my marriage, that I will fail as a mother too.

I do not want to be "that mom": the mom who is considered "crazy" by the friends because she is always angry or the kid is always in trouble or because she lost her temper in front of the kid and his friends. I want to be able to set a good example for my child. So far, I feel like I have failed there too.

My husband and I got into a pretty big argument last night in front of Rylan. I know he is only  days old, but I am afraid of what kind of impact that my have had on him. I see my son dream and I know that some dreams are not good ones because his whimpers or shakes in his sleep. I wonder if he is dreaming about mommy and daddy fighting. I know he can not see us with his eyes just yet, but our voices is the way that he knows us. I wonder if he is remembering our not so nice voices and is scared.

I am afraid that I am turning out to be a bad parent already. I don't want to argue in front of my children, I don't want my anger to get the best of me, I don't want to be the "crazy" mom. I pray and pray and pray that I will be able to set a good example for my children and that they will be able to look up to me for being a patient, kind, and understanding mother who is always there for them. I have this voice in the back of my head saying "you're not doing this right'', "that was wrong", and "you can't make him happy, he won't ever stop crying because you don't know what you're doing". Have I failed already? Will I be a bad mom? Does Rylan dream bad dreams of my "mad voice"? 

These are a few of my fears. I know that I can work on it and better myself. I just don't want it to be too late. I don't want to scar my child and not be able to repair the damage. I want to be the best mom a person can be. I am trying my hardest. I just don't want to mess up.